A couple of Tories visited the BBC. One said, "Nice BBC you've got here. Shame if something were to happen to it." Meanwhile, the other one casually knocked a programme off the shelf and said, "Oops," when it smashed to pieces on the floor.
Strictly speaking, this scenario is unnecessary, since the BBC is run by Tory stooges. They're quite capable of censoring any investigation likely to embarrass their lords and masters.
I have to think about it for a moment. Port and starboard are easy because because port has the same number of letters as left, so starboard has to be right. But I don't live on a boat, and even if I did, I'd still have to get the left and right thing straight.