ProbabalyAmber

Go to any post on any "relationship advice" community and you'll see people drawing up lines, saying you are the villain or your spouse is the villain. "hit the lawyer, facebook up, delete the gym." Most of the time that isn't helpful, people ask for relationship help because they want help with their relationship, they don't want to end it. Oh sure some people are just looking for a reason to get out of an unhealthy relationship, but why are people so quick to vilify? Divisiveness is not going to solve a relationship problem. I feel like I shouldn't have to start every one of my posts with this kind of disclaimer, but if you look through my post history you'll find me fighting for my wife again and again. She is not the problem, she is part of the solution. My number one goal is to preserve this relationship, fully transitioning comes second to that.

It's not just you all, I see this everywhere. I pointed it out to my wife and now she sees it everywhere. I came out at church and now I'm the villain there, how dare I do this to my wife and kids. Why can't I just "man up" and be what's expected of me?

And when I come out as Christian to my trans friends, my wife is the villain, how dare she hold you back, how dare she not fully embrace her bi nature, insert bi erasure rhetoric here.

Usually I would follow up this kind of caveat with the problem that needs addressed, but in this case, this IS the problem that needs addressed. Constantly having to fight for each other in opposing circles is exhausting, especially when we are asking for help. I don't want to hear "oh your priorities are fucked, transition first then worry about your wife". I'm so tired of asking for help and getting divisiveness. And I don't know what to do.

The two of us sat down with a counselor the other day and we felt seen, at the same time, for the first time. She understood this struggle. I wish she was taking more clients, hopefully the counselor she recommended will be equally excellent. How do we find or make more of these safe spaces, where we can both exist together, without either of us being the villain?

I did it. I came out to everyone that matters. No one has cut me off or thrown me out. The process took about 6 months longer than I thought it would, but we are here, on the other side of that long tunnel. But instead of flying out of the other side, speeding my way towards a full transition, I'm maybe two steps further transitioned than I was six months ago. No momentum.

And oh boy am I tired. Long talks with good friends, debating theology with my pastor, answering questions, calming fears, it's a lot of social energy.

Can I just stop being trans for one bloody moment? I need a breather. But no, that's not an option, the dysphoria is not abated. So onward I press, taking the hard path, the good path, the slow path. I can be a Christian and trans. I can keep my support network and transition. I don't have to lose my wife and kids, we can make this work.

But

it's

so

slow

.

I've been transitioning as slowly as possible for 30 years, but I'm ready to drop my masc and make a mad dash to the other side. I'm ready to throw out the guy clothes, take E, get an orchi, laser my face. I know different people experience womanhood differently, but I feel like I haven't gotten to experience it all, despite leaning hard on that GNC wall for all my masc years. And so I don't ask people to call me Amber, she/her, because I don't feel like I deserve it. Once I'm over there, then I'll ask. Once I malefail. But this mindset is holding me back. Insisting on maintaining all my relationships and support network is holding me back. My wife working her way through her own theology and gender issues is holding me back. And I can't lose those, so I limp along, dragging the shattered remains of my masc alongside me.

I thought for sure that putting myself out there would free me to go be myself, that I would be zooming, but instead I'm still plodding along, just now with extra scrutiny.

Last night I dreamed I was a kid, and instead of hiding and building a masc, I was demanding to be myself. Little dream me was so sure of herself, so ready to fight everyone who would tell her she couldn't be who she really was. I could use her energy right now, and her willingness to fight for herself.

So my wife and I have been trying to work through the practicality of me coming out. She's been having trouble perceiving me as female, which, like, I still have a beard, so I get it. She's bi, but also believes that homosexuality is a sin, so she's been trying to work though what we would look like. I've been trying to break apart the rigid gender roles a bit, and told her last night that I don't mind our kids calling me "dad" even if I go full fem, I have no problem with she/her/dad. Like, I'm the sperm donor, not the one who carried them for nine months. She thought that was great and asked about husband, because she really would rather have a husband than a wife. I told her that I'd really prefer wife, as husband is rather ick for me, so we are still working on that point.

Long preamble, sorry, but this morning as we were telling each other about our dreams last night and our visions for the future, she said "I envision myself in the future with my husband, and she's beautiful"

I think that's the first time I've been gendered correctly by my wife, and it feels so good. I think we are going to make it. I'm going to have my kayak and heat it too. I'll be able to transition without losing those closest to me. My vision of the future has never looked so bright, growing into old ladies together and showing people with our lives that "Queer Christians" is not an oxymoron.

I've been closeted for like 30 years. How tf do I let it out? I'm ready to come out, tell people, finally go live my life, but all I know is the mask. Who is this scared little girl that's hiding in here? How do I go be myself when I don't know who that is? I feel naked and exposed without my masc.

Go experiment? I'm still in that "man in a dress" stage, not sure if I'm going to be able to get HRT, so even looking at myself in the mirror is horrible. I'm trying to lose weight and I'm doing the laser hair removal thing, and those feel great, but

I feel like I missed my life, missed learning how to girl, and now I'm expected to woman? Can I please get some girlhood real quick so I can figure out how to woman? I want to go through the emo phase and the punk phase and maybe dabble in goth, I want to be cringe, I want to have a sleepover with the girls and do each other's hair and makeup so we can practice.

There's so many things that are gendered. I wore my belt "backward"s today, because I was always taught the "correct" boys way to do it. I feel like I'm drowning in the shallow end of the gender pool.

If I'm going to do makeup I'm going to have to look at myself in the mirror. If I'm going to do my hair I'm going to have to do something about the balding. If I'm going to change my wardrobe, do I do that now or wait until I lose these 10 kilos?

I pulled the cork and... I guess I thought I was gonna get a genie wish and wake up the next day as a girl. Instead I have to transition, and probably without any HRT. I guess this is the hard part.

Sorry for the ramble, even verbalizing these thoughts, this sentence, is hard. I'm so practiced at keeping it all in that even though it's happening, I don't know how to let it all out.