KhanumBallZ

Struggling with insomnia and panic attacks again, though I'm the process of quitting caffeine to deal with anxiety for good.

We went to the Hamilton Cementery today, just to see if my photo collage with my stepdad's pictures was working. I have to render it again due to it having the wrong aspect ratio for the projector.

I ordered some Domino's pizza on the phone, on our way back to Otorohanga. They charged me $24 for what used to always be a regular-sized pizza, and some fries on the side. I thought I'd at least be some restaurant-quality dish - but it's just a bunch of bread with vegetables, cheese and sauce slapped onto it?

sigh I'm so tired of being broke. At least I can finally start work on my 34ft catamaran, now that my timber has arrived. I don't want to be here anymore. Give me a warm tropical paradise to anchor at. Catch anchovies and sardines all day. Order my medication online in bulk. The further from here, the better.

Busy week as of late. Me, my mum and her friends are in the process of organizing the funeral for my stepdad.

My parents used to go on and on about how awesome Insurance is, and why I should get it - but it turns out, we didn't get a single penny worth of support from any insurance company, due to my dad's health conditions. We have to ask WINZ to help cover some of the cost of the funeral.

My mum now has $350,000 left to pay on her mortgage (plus $720,000 interest), and is the sole breadwinner in the family. There's a fair chance that I may not ever even inherit my parent's home, even if I lose them both. The whole thing was a mirage - and I've never felt more radicalized in my whole life than I do now.

It's a bit of a glass half full vs. half empty / chicken vs. the egg sort of thing.

If one [believes that one lacks free will], one will behave in an entirely different manner compared to believing that one [does have free will]. So the belief in free will, or lack thereof, will ironically have a massive impact on the course of our lives.

Rough day today. Stepdad has just passed away, early this morning.

Just as my life was at a crossroad - I now have to re-write some of my plans all over again, in order to help my mum cope with the loneliness.

Time to look into becoming a foster parent. Being granted the living space and the opportunity to teach children to be stronger, healthier, less selfish and less materialistic - would be the only light at the end of this tunnel - especially in the light of rising mortgages, costs of living and global temperature.

My carefree days are over. Today I'm an adult - tomorrow I'll be a parent, a leader, and then hopefully one day - a politician. No more junkfood, no more caffeine, no more energy drinks, certainly no more booze, and no more mindless scrolling. Bootcamp lifestyle.

Hot day today. Tuis screeching out in the garden, and my Kale has already bolted. Bummer - It's only the first half of spring... but I don't mind.

My stepdad has just been carried away by St. John's, after having a fall yesterday. He was too stubborn to go to the hospital at first. Spent the night keeping an eye on him in the living room, then went back to bed at 7am, just before the ambulance arrived. Awful as it sounds, this means that my mum is finally allowed some time off work, and we can watch movies together.

Now that I see it - life is really short, and really dangerous. I've thought about testing my boat hulls out by the local Waipa river, and sailing them all the way to Port Waikato, to save money on hauling expenses. Or hooking it up to an autonomous navigation system, and controlling it using 4G or 5G mobile internet. No more excuses this time - you only live once!

I love the sound of tuis on a hot spring morning

Gonna go pick up some timber from Mitre10 on my e-bike. Might as well...

Been having a few sleepless nights, thinking about how I'm going to moor my sailboat, if I'm going to be declined my application for a mooring, or whether or not I'll even be allowed to rent one to begin with.

In a worst case scenario - I might have to sell all of my belongings, put the money in Bitcoin, and move to a third world country. This should at least put my mind to rest. It's one thing if I'll never own a house - but if I can't even build my own boat, then that'll be the last straw. I refuse to live in a country where the only 'freedom' you have is coming back home from work, scrolling social media, and watching Netflix - and everything else is either too expensive, or too illegal.

I suppose I'm more of a Pessimist, and an Ethical Utilitarian.

Nihilism to me makes sense from a material point of view. But as soon as one puts one's hand on a burning stove - all of the sudden, things get real. And things become too important to ignore.

I could agree that it's ultimately people themselves (and all living creatures) who decide what is meaningful, and what isn't. In that sense, the very baseline of reality is nihilistic. Yet the pursuit of happiness and wellbeing, and the avoidance of unnecessary suffering, seems to be a universal value system that people default to.

Another slow day. Still waiting for big deliveries...

I'm slowly coming to the realization that talking about one's problems is mostly a waste of time. The best way to live life is to be actively engaged in doing everything in your power to fix the immediate world around you.

Failing that - one should accept things the way they are, and move on. Because a lot of the times, life says: "No". And there's no guarantee that one's efforts will change the outcome of the situation. Likewise, the only real way to deal with pent-up emotions is to match their intensity through physical activity.

I think the problem is moreso the fact that modern food is so energy-dense.

But exercise makes a big difference between [being morbidly overweight] vs. just having a tummy - for people who otherwise have a problematic relationship with food.

Slow day today. More rain and rain and rain...

I've drawn up a battle-plan for my sailboat build. There's a company called WiseMove that could haul a 4-5m boat for me for around $500 (under 200kg). Each 5.5m hull will be joined to another near-identical hull, with bolts going from below the waterline, to the very top of the U frame, in order to create a modular 34ft multihull (4x modules). An inner water barrier keeps the hulls from flooding at the seams.

There's moorings for rent in Whangamata ($40pw), and bus services that could take me from there to Auckland (Go-Kiwi), then back to Otorohanga. I could build the entire vessel for less than $5,000-$7,000. It's really the high-tech stuff that makes yachts expensive. (e.g. 1x sheet-winch = $500, 2x halyard jammers = $500, 1x Outboard engine = $2500-$4000). Construction and photos should start by Friday when my timber arrives. Let's democratize yachting!

I'll be sure not to disappoint.

I'm usually great at inspiring people, though I do have a kryptonite that keeps my superpowers in check; lack of money. 😉