ImpromptuIdentity

She has said long hair is too annoying, and that's fine (I do have long hair and it doesn't bother me but we can differ there). But, I think it's more about how she looks. I've suggested the short hairstyles I would be OK with, but she's not interested. I think because they're the most feminine short styles I could find, which is what I am attracted to. I'm worried that she really wants to look masculine and that's not what I'm attracted to.

I have tried to suggest all the short hairstyles that I like and then the ones I could probably tolerate, but apparently it has to be a buzz cut...

Alright, I guess I said she wasn't willing to at all, but there was a temporary compromise. I guess what I really mean is she is no longer willing to compromise at all.

Well I actually told her her hair was looking good when she told me it was making her depressed and she was going to cut it again. It was probably around a long pixie cut. So, I don't really see that as a compromise.

Gender euphoria is the opposite. It's a good feeling when things feel right (seeing yourself look masculine as a trans man). I'm not saying that's what it was, but it fits a little too well and makes me uncomfortable.

Hearing it like that hits me pretty hard. I've been struggling with the idea that she seems to feel the haircut is more important than the relationship.... But then I feel hypocritical because I guess I'm doing a similar thing on the other side.

I obviously don't have any entitlement to control her hair, but I am surprised she hasn't been willing to compromise at all. I feel like most people are happy to adjust their look to suit their partners preferences, including myself.

I don't think it's gender euphoria just because of the haircut. It's that she's thinking she doesn't identify as female anymore, she does seem to have changed. And, seeing herself with a buzz cut evoked strong feelings of it being right. I've definitely heard other people having that kind of gender euphoria from having a male haircut, and I've seen someone else go though a similar transition.

Having said that I'm not trying to say I know better than she does, it is just a fear of what could happen and would ruin the relationship. I don't have any problem with people being trans but I'm simply not attracted to men, trans or otherwise. So there probably is these feelings mixed in when I see such a male haircut on my wife (a look that I also find very unattractive).

If I'm honest with myself it's hard to pin-point the real source of my feelings. I guess it's a mix of things. But,, at the moment I do think the largest issue is that I don't like the look. My concern about gender identity is one that comes up every now and again, mostly because she made a comment about how good that hairstyle made her feel which sounded like gender euphoria to me. She assures me that's not it, so I think I would be OK if she was happy to grow her hair out.

I guess you're still right about couple's therapy. I did try to organise it at one point, but it got difficult. I'll take it more seriously now.

That is interesting. I will look it up.

Having young children has definitely been stressful for both of us and it was probably the roughest patch when she first wanted to shave it. But, I thought things had been getting better, except for my current struggle with not wanting to look at her which has been slowly building over time.

Believe me, I've tried. I'm sure there's plenty of people who would be fine with it or even like it, but I'm just not one of them. I'm also sure I'm not the only one who dislikes the look of a buzz cut on a woman. I'm having trouble maintaining a relationship with someone who has a look that I hate.

I would be fine if this was temporary but she's made it clear she never wants to grow it out at all. Not even a pixie cut.

I'd be happy to hear advice that would help me 'get a fucking grip'.