I've been that scary parent before. My own kid was of the mind that "It's always the dad that hates you and disowns you if you come out..." originally. I can't speak for your own parents or situation but in my case the only real question was to try and figgure out if I had the understanding right. Maybe your's are the old "it's a choice" type, I don't know any of you, but feel free to bounce stuff off one who's been the other side if you like.
this post was submitted on 20 Jul 2023
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I am fairly faithful, though more liberal than many in my faith. My kids have come out to me maybe a dozen times in total, and have been disappointed every time because I didn't go crazy on them. Most religious people don't hate LGBTQ, even if they also don't agree with some of it. Most religious parents love their children AND their faith, and are willing to let their kids make their own choices.
Don't let a vocal few and their media response cause you to try to squish your parents into a box. They can love you and not love your choices, but also support you making them. Not everything is black and white. If you have kids, some day your kids will subscribe to ideologies you don't like, too. It's part of parenting. Parents are allowed to be disappointed when their kids reject the things they love.
Just stay true to what you feel is right, try to love your imperfect parents, give it a few years and everything will look much different one way or the other.
It's okay to be angry, and to have big feelings. But also, remember that your parents are people. There's two sides to that, everyone has biases and perceptions that they can't see past, but there is also the spiritual and beautiful things that transcend all of that.
Beauty and love surpass all the other stuff. Look for the ways that there can be love between you, even when it also means holding the tension of love and anger together. It can work like that, and sometimes that's just what family is. Also before you know it you'll be on your own and that will give you a whole new perspective on family as you build a new life for yourself.
I remember when I still lived with my parents it was impossible to see past their flaws. But now as an adult on my own, I have a much greater appreciation for how easy it is to be shitty and how hard it is to be good.
At the end of it all, sometimes you just gotta feel your feelings, hoping that at the end of it you'll be a little bigger and a little more expensive, able to hold more of life together and not less.
Have a solid discussion with them in a neutral setting
You think I haven't tried that. Each time I do they scream at me about religion and raising me right and bs
I hate to white knight for OP here, but did they ask for advice?
Technically, no. Although they did post this is "Chat" and not "Vent".
Seriously though. OP, this sucks. Are you in any position to put some distance between yourself and the parents, or are you still fully dependent on them? Do you have someone close whom you trust and can confide in? Finding support online is good, but having a real person by your side (and on your side) is heaps better.
I'm 14 and dependent my downward spiral started early June when my now ex bf left me. He was everything to me. As for people I trust I do have a therapist and an appointment today. My friends aren't in similar situations to me so I can't really talk to then much about it
Hey OP, I'm not part of the LGBT community but I grew up in a very conservative, religious household. I'm an atheist and that caused a lot of tension in my home life, I was yelled at, grounded, beaten occasionally, forced to go to church, and made to listen to sermons about how terrible atheists are and how I'm going to hell. I had, what felt like it at the time, a serious relationship that ended poorly and it ruined me for years. I didn't date again until I was 20 out of fear of being hurt again. I was depressed, having panic attacks regularly and suicidal at times. My parents didn't believe mental health was real and refused to get me the help I needed. All of that wasn't to diminish what you're going through or out-shitty-childhood you. I wanted to show that I relate to you on a similar level.
I just want to let you know that it can get better if you allow it to. While I had a lot going on, I made it harder on myself than it needed to be. I've come to realize that I could have been happier if I had not let that relationship drag me down so much. If I had accepted that my parents were intolerant of my beliefs and that talking to them about these things was unproductive and only made things worse. If I chose to confide in my friends about my depression and suicidal thoughts instead of talking to people who didn't even believe depression was real.
Your parents strike me as the types that are "fine with the gays as long as it's not one of my kids". It may not be the best idea to come out to them right now, you could be putting yourself at risk. Of course I don't know you or them and that could be entirely wrong, but you feel the need to protect your siblings from them so something tells me that it would serve you well to protect yourself from them too. At 14, you may not know what you want to do after school, and that's fine. You have plenty of time to work something out. But I would encourage you to find a way to independence as soon as possible. Be it going to a college out of state, taking an apprenticeship in the trades, or finding a job that pays well enough for you to get an apartment with/without some friends. Being out of your parents place and free to be yourself will help a lot. But you've still got a few years before that time comes.
While you're still there, and this may sound shitty, you might be better off in limiting your contact with your parents as much as you reasonably can. You want something from them that they can't/won't give you and you're doing yourself a disservice by trying to get them to be something they're not. You have a therapist, which is good provided they actually want to help. They can help you heal from the shit your parents are putting you through. And while your friends may not be able to relate to your problems much I think you'd be surprised in the ways they can help. You don't have to experience the same things as somebody else to be empathetic and supportive. Talking to your friends candidly about what's wrong and how you need help could be a game changer for you. Don't push off the support of your peers for fear of being unheard. If they're unwilling to be there for you, they're probably not your friends.
As for your relationship; if it's over then there's not much you can do about it. It hurts, it feels like your world is coming down, and you're unsure if you'll ever feel that way about somebody else. You will. It'll take time, but you will. There's a fine line between mourning the loss of a relationship and ruminating. I hope.you find it sooner than I did at the time. One day you may look back on it and regret how long you let it affect you. You'll see lost opportunities, days wasted feeling terrible, and potentially how little that relationship meant in the grand scheme of things. All of that is easy to say years after the fact and you may just brush it off because right now it feels awful. But don't let that be the only thing you feel. You're young, partners will come and go, and that's going to really suck at times. But you'll find someone eventually, when you're ready to.
I don't know you or your full situation so I could just as easily have missed the mark entirely or made an ass of myself, but I hope my rambling offered some comfort or perspective to you. I hope things get easier for you
You described my shit well. I just want my ex back no matter his bad things were I was happy with him. Opened up to a friend and he proved to be an ass :(
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