The Onion

PRINCETON, NJ—Shedding new light on the shadowy figures lurking around every corner, a study from researchers at Princeton University revealed Monday that the average American has at least three people plotting to kill them at all times. “Our research shows that nearly every man, woman, and child in the country is currently being trailed by someone who means them harm,” said study coauthor Dr. Howard Friesch, who was pleased to announce that the findings confirmed the researchers’ long-held theory that no one is safe. “They could be a casual acquaintance, a jilted lover, or even a stranger, someone you’ve only ever made eye contact with once who has now decided you must be destroyed. They could be teaming up to take you down together, or all be competing to be the one to get to you first. There is one guy plotting to kill everyone, so that ups the average a bit.” At press time, Dr. Friesch suggested Americans live off the grid in the desert where they can see if someone is coming from miles away.

link: https://www.theonion.com/study-average-american-has-at-least-3-people-plotting-1851066563