So last week I came out to my Parents and my Grandma.
I already knew beforehand that this will not end well, as my parents are (super)conservative and self-absorbed. But I had to do it anyway, right?
I met with my grandma (mid-eighties) first alone, she was a bit shocked but was quite understanding of the situation, and she tried real hard to use my proper pronouns. I really love her trying and being open.
Then my parents arrived and I laid it all down to them. They were shocked of course. Interestingly, I was not the first who happened to be trans in my family, my mother said in a tone like that being trans is some freak accident that happen and can't be helped. They told me her deadname and her new name, but from then on out they constantly deadnamed her whenever they referred to her. Great start...
She also once said, probably with good intention, that I would always be her deadname. Which stung even more, especially since she said that after I tried to correct her on my pronouns and my name. Like she totally disregarded what i was saying all along.
To my father, he is a quite right-leaning and buys into the idea that the rainbow flag and trans movement is communistic. As in, we as a minority, want to dictate the majority how to speak, act and think. (Imaging that novel idea, that inclusivity and respect is communistic)
In the end I could bear it any longer and found a somewhat graceful exit to leave this toxic coming out.
But ever since then, and the text messages I received from my mother don't help at all, thoughts are gnawing on my self. Text messages like: that she doesn't think that I am trans and that the journey I am on is the right one. Because she read up on literature (she didn't mention what literature), she hadn't seen any signs during my youth, and she insists that she always knows best.
So yeah, thoughts like am I really trans? is this just really only just a phase? Do I only really want attention? Am I just faking it?
But why, on the other hand, do I feel the shot of euphoria whenever a colleague calls me by my name and uses my given pronouns?
Why not just end this charade once and for all? Who would care in the end?
Dysphoria, fueled by conservatives who don't accept you, is really tormenting at times.