196

I think it's the kind of thing you don't say in public. If you end up haveing to explain to someone that you're not homophobic, you've already fucked up.

I have a nasty habit of using "retarded" to describe things I find unfathomably stupid, but im very careful not to say it around anyone who might take me seriously.

Also, odd choice to post this question in 196. Besides not really being on theme, 196 is very trans positive, and left leaning. Don't be surprised if you get accosted a little bit.

It used to be part of the cultural lexicon back in the late 90's and 00's, I used to say it all the time and I know gay people who did it as well lol

I think there's worse offenses but at the same time it's not hard to just not say it and I feel like it's a bit insensitive and outdated, if it slips out from time to time it's not a big deal but I think you'd be better off just training yourself out of the habit.

I don’t think it’s weird but it’s hurtful and I think you should make an effort to stop. Like the others said anyone who grew up in the 2000s probably had a phase where they said it constantly.

To give you some perspective, I did and I found out that my brother was gay later. I still cringe at the things I said when we were kids and wish I could go back in time and slap myself… he doesn’t hold it against me but it doesn’t matter, when you grow up you start taking responsibility for what you say and do and to make sure your words reflect your ethics. If you’re not a homophobe then stop saying homophobic shit yo!

I can see how you maybe never had a lot of external pressure to stop but just imagine that it’s likely that there’s at least one person you know who is in the closet and you owe it to them to do better!

Yeah, uhhh, train yourself not to do that.

It makes gay people sad

You’re talking about using the term as a pejorative. I graduated HS in 2001, and it was pretty common to hear “gay” used as a pejorative back then. If I were to take a guess, I imagine you might live in a rather rural area.

It’s probably best to just retrain your brain about using the term as a pejorative… unless something is just gay… like shirts with rainbows that say “Pride”.. those are gay.

Do you still call things retarded too? Best to retrain that one out of your vocabulary too, unless you want to be an edge-lord when you talk about music that has slowed down.

Yeah totally. I still hear people using it now, people who don't have anything against the gay community.

Oh, the worst one was when I called something gay in front of my boss and his wife whose name was Gaye.

I avoid using it entirely in a derogatory way now. I even avoid using 'faggot' so I don't insult the harley davidson community.

Yeah that’s cringe.

Having graduated high school in 2010, yes, I used to do this. When I was much younger, like in elementary school, I honestly just thought it meant stupid and didn't learn what it really meant until middle school.

I don't want to sound like a brow beating moralist but I would encourage you to stop. Your post reminds me of my mentality of using it in high school. I didn't view it as rude and I wasn't directly saying anything negative about actual gay people, so that makes it okay, right? That's how it felt at the time. I remember saying some annoying or ugly thing was "gay" around a stranger and we sort of had a moment of awkward eye contact. I'm not sure if they were gay and offended or just generally out of by someone saying something like that, but that was the moment I realized I really shouldn't be using it like that. I really regret using it like that even though it felt like it was culturally acceptable at the time.

TLDR I regret using it like that and don't want you to end up with regrets too.

for me, i wouldn't immediately assume that a person using 'gay' in that way was a homophobe but it would definitely be a red flag. i'd make a conscious effort to avoid it but i've done it occasionally too so i understand the habit.

Yeah, I grew up in the late 2000s, so I had that kind of casually homophobic slang pretty ingrained in me. Will never forget, though, the first time I heard a gay friend call someone else the f-slur on DOTA 2, lmao.

I don't think it's necessarily reflective of personal homophobia, but that we grew up in a time when homophobia was normalized. As I became more socially conscious and graduated from high school, I've made an effort to erase it from my vocabulary.

Story time:
When I was in high school, a guy in one of my classes was the kind of guy who'd use the word "gay" in that manner. I don't think he was actually explicitly homophobic, more just had an edgy teenage sense of humor.

One day, he was talking with a friend of mine that he didn't know was homosexual, and at one point he "jokingly" said to my homosexual friend, in that exact same joking way: "What are you, gay?"

You could hear a pin drop. Everyone in the room was uncomfortable after that. If he said that to anyone else, you'd just brush it off as an ignorant joke, but because of who he said it to, it became targeted, even if that wasn't his intention at the time.

I had never met a gay person and have never had (and still dont have)

Roughly 5-10% of people are gay. You have almost certainly talked with many gay people, you may have even made these kinds of jokes in front of those people. This might be a good time to reflect on why those people might have chosen not to share their sexuality with you.

Either way, I'm glad we can have an open conversation about this here - I think most people have gone through some kind of "problematic" phase at one time or another, and openly talking about it with others can help.

Extra context: I'm straight, most of my friends aren't

I found this quite helpful when I stumbled upon it at some point (a little long but worth the read).