Rant

That's the thing. You don't have to pick up the phone. You don't have to answer the text until you are ready.

Anyone who acts like they are entitled to an instant response is wrong, unless you agree with them.

You may have to do a little expectation management, but you'll be happier once you've done a bit of it.

Do what I do. Crush their expectations.

Answer only when convenient.

People forget that, before cell phones became ubiquitous, we had answering machines. People didn't automatically pick up.

Before that, you did have to decide if the call was likely to be important, but you also didn't get as many calls in the first place.

There's zero reason that we have to respond immediately to anything, be it call, text, email, paper planes, whatever.

If you just don't respond, until you're damn good and ready, people will eventually get the idea and not waste time with fifteen messages instead of one clear and simple one.

You don't even have to check messages until you're in a place and time that doing so is useful.

Like, you get a message at noon, you're at work, and people know that, they aren't messaging you with the assumption you'll jump right on it. And, if they do think that, you shouldn't reward that thinking anyway. So handle stuff at times when you can actually respond well anyway, instead of having to fire off a four word nothing burger.

I promise you, over time, the people that matter are going to adapt, especially if you tell them that you would rather have a smaller number of meaningful exchanges than a bunch of quick ones because you value them. If that's actually the truth (and it is for me), you'll follow through with that, and then your interactions with them become fulfilling, more personal and real.

Set up the expectation that if it's something minor, you won't respond until an ideal time to do so.

It's been years since anyone objected to the way I handle communications, because they eventually figured out that a: I just wasn't going to be a slave to my phone, and b: we really do have better conversations.

It's a difficult transition for sure, but a fairly simple one.

Fair warning though. At some point, someone is going to start trying to send messages via a spouse or child if you have those. So you'll have to be firm about never responding to those attempts.

Trust me, if it's something that's actually important, you can manage that too. Once you get people adjusted, you can set up boundaries, and establish something like a text/call combo, or whatever for something big. You can even try it before you go controlled contact, but it doesn't work as well since everyone thinks what they're doing is important enough, if they're in the habit of expecting fast responses still. Then, after a while, you don't need those because everyone in your life has figured out that being patient is better, and won't mess around with minor stuff. They'll reserve the piddly shit for other times, so you know that if they're calling in the middle of your work hours, it's going to matter.

Remember, that's your phone, not anyone else's. You own it, it does not own you. Repeat that mantra often enough, and even other people will start thinking that way too.

Put your phone into privacy mode while at work. After work you can reply, and if someone says anything... Sorry, I was at work, or I had a long meeting, etc.

After your comfortable doing that, you can expand it.

Set your expectations in a healthy way and let other people know of it clearly. If you don't want to answer messages you receive right away, then don't.

Only between the time I start and stop working in a day, will I answer calls or messages for work. While I'm at work, anyone outside of work shouldn't expect a response for several hours, or until I end work.

There are many times I'm available to respond to my friends and family (while shitposting on Lemmy being one example), others I will ignore notifications when I'm doing my own thing or talking with people irl. That takes precedence.

I am self-employed and have customers who need to reach out to me about one thing or another. I'm okay with phone calls. Phone calls get business done quickly. Text messages are terrible. If I get one text message, I'll respond right away if I can, but only the first message. If he shoots a message back, I call. If he doesn't answer, I wait a few hours to text back again. I absolutely refuse to turn our conversations to SMS conversations.

I tell people I have a 24 hour SLA. I'll respond to messages within 24 hours, barring circumstances like a trip to somewhere remote or illness. Likely sooner, but that's a bonus. No one has ever complained.

I just hate the feeling that someone could suddenly message me. I hate having to pull out my phone because a message has arrived and I have to respond. I hate having to look at it every few seconds when I am trying to do something else, because someone messaged me.

There's probably a nicer, more effective, way to say this, but: stop doing this. You don't have to respond. You don't even have to look. Put your phone on silent. Leave it in the other room.

Mine is always on silent, and I have an app that sends any caller not on my contacts list (or I haven't made an outgoing call to prior) straight to voicemail.

Don't let people train you on your phone habits. Set a precedent.

So I just turn off the parts I don't want at any moment. No messages when J don't want any

All of the red ‘notification’ dots on my apps give off a nice warm glow that makes the screen feel homey.

Silliness aside, it’s an act of self care to only do what you have the desire and capacity to do. Don’t make yourself unhappy for an expectation that you get to set.