Honestly, no one deserves to be ghosted. You should apologize and explain that you weren't ready for that sort of relationship. Maybe they will understand, maybe won't. At the end of the day, you gave them closure though.
this post was submitted on 09 Sep 2023
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This is correct. I’m sure the woman has moved on at this point but she definitely remembers. A simple “sorry, ghosting you wasn’t right” will go a long way.
Not trying to start anything, but I find it interesting that you've made an assumption OP's talking about a woman. Reason it stood out to me out is that we're currently doing a lot of training at work about removing our unconscious biases.
Like I said, not trying to start something - just find it interesting.
OP refers to her as “she” in another comment.
Ah - didn't spot that. Cheers for pointing it out.
Yeah, I think you have to acknowledge it or they'll feel (at best) incredibly awkward the whole time. Don't make a big deal of it though - say you're "sorry you ghosted her and no-one deserves that. If she wants to talk about it then you're willing, but otherwise won't mention it again".
Honestly, no one deserves to be ghosted
Really? Because I've had to do it for my own safety.
If you have a legitimate safety concern then I can't see ghosting stopping them. Telling them it's over and you've involved the local law enforcement might be better to force them to understand it's over.
Look at it this way, do you feel like someone is likely to keep bothering you if they think you are dating or if they've gotten closure?
Also remember you don't have to tell them in person. A text or such is not a great way to break it off but explain you are concerned for your safety.
That said I see it as an option depending on the history and past history. Not for people who you went on 2 dates with and was like eh, no, kind of creepy. Instead people who have proven they are a safety issue. People who have hit you before.
That said people asking if it's okay to ghost people aren't in safety situations. Those people aren't thinking of how awkward it will be at work.
Telling them it’s over and you’ve involved the local law enforcement might be better to force them to understand it’s over.
Cops don't do jack shit where I live.
Sure. At this point for me law enforcement is different than cops. People like your friends can enforce the law.
That said this kind of misses the point and is a redirection. The point is to forcefully tell them it's over.
If you are going to have problems with a person then either way telling them it's over or ghosting them isn't going change their actions.
However ghosting a person who didn't have intention to harm you is going to confuse them and likely have them bother you more. Because you aren't giving them an idea of your intent. Specially for neurodivergent people.
I agree with parts of this, but don’t know how to put this delicately: this is a very reasonable opinion to hold if you aren’t in the position that most of your dating partners could relatively easily kill you.
I think ghosting should only be done in the case of safety concerns (in which case, I agree, you’re not thinking about work awkwardness), but waiting until someone’s hit you is suicidal. In the case of, let’s say, a 25 year old woman, she’s statistically likely to have been getting harassed in public for more than a decade, and likely has a good idea about when something feels off. It’s not reasonable to expect her to initiate a conversation that the other person might take as an attack if it feels like it’s not safe to do so. With unstable people, simply becoming less interesting to them, by responding less and less can be a safer way to end things than by provoking them.
Disclaimer: I’m not suggesting that only heterosexual men are violent in relationships and only heterosexual women are abused. I am saying that due to standard phenotypic differences, this type of violence is most likely to be catastrophic even in small doses. I’m a large woman (178 cm/5’10”), and taller than my fiancé, but when he cracks my back, for example, it’s very clear to me that he could squeeze me to death without too much trouble. My sister played rugby for a decade and did martial arts for several years, she’s strong as fuck. She used to wait a month or two to spar with her new male teammates, because an untrained but relatively fit man would generally be able to accidentally seriously injure her. This got way off topic, sorry.
TL;DR: waiting until a person has hit you is too long to wait when that one hit can be fatal
What’s dumb question. Yes! You should apologize. And then grow up and stop ghosting people.
I've only ever had one date in my life that went bad. I had a feeling I was about to get ghosted so I asked her to like. Lemme know why it went so bad from her pov. It was an interesting conversation.
If they bring it up just be honest with them.
Sooooo ... why'd it go so bad.
This was forever ago. But basically we both drove to a mall for I think sushi and a movie ?
The conversation during sushi went swell but during the movies I could tell she was sitting farther away from me than she had to.
On the way out I asked her if she wanted me to walk her out and she said nah. I was taken aback it was late at night. And was like. Are you sure ? She said yes so we parted ways.
I remember thinking man I'm not sure what I did wrong. That whole thing usually works. Lol.
Once I got home I messaged that I apologized if I made her feel uncomfortable in anyway and asked her on her end what went so wrong.
She told me during the movie / on the way out she thought I might attempt to kiss her. And she wasn't feeling that way. I thanked her for being honest and that was that.
I wouldn't have tried tho. I was fully aware that things weren't going ideal. But yeah. Thats the story.
Ah yes it's that pre-emptive awkwardness of nearing the end of a date, knowing that (although nothing in particular went spectacularly wrong) you don't really want to have more and trying to signal this to the other person.
I've been on the receiving end of that too and now, many years later and away from the dating game, I can retroactively see it and accept it for what it was but man, it would have stung back then to hear it in plain and simple words. Being ghosted seemed like a better option to me too in retrospect. Kudos to you for being mature enough to handle that conversation!
I (female) once went on a very not good date. The guy had no interests except for dead watching youtube, no ambitions and the only thing going on in his life was that he had sent a submission to attent a Polish university.
The only thing we did was havr a walk around town because usually walking makes people talk. Except they don't if they don't have anything to talk about.
So the date was nearing its end the guy looked like it went smooth af and leaned in for a hug.
So I stretched out my hand and shook his and thanked for the date.
Boy was stumped.
Hahaha I was like that boy too.
Girl:does he have interests? Is he passionate about something? Do I see ourselves spending quality time together?
Boy: I'm on a date, my shirt is clean, I have mints for my breath, I have gone for the romantic walk in the park, this time I've done it all perfectly! I'll get at least a kiss for sure!
This guy though was completely personality-less
I don't usually set the bar high either.
But if you ask me what my favourite interests are and I tell you that I like reading Fantasy books and baking and spending time with friends and PC gaming and you have no idea what any of those are. And then I ask you back.
You can't tell me "Some times I go out and have ONE beer with my friends. Can you drink more than one beer? Eh. We usually meet up for one hour once per month. What I do the rest of the time? Eh. Nothing? I watch youtube before I go to bed? Channels? What type? Ehhh.... Anything else that is happening in my life? WELL, I AM going to go study medicine in Poland 😎. When I'm going? I'm not really sure. Well I am waiting for the reply back from them. I am enrolled yes! What letter? The confirmation letter. No I haven't heard back from them yet. How I know I'm enrolled? Well I did send them my submission letter so I am definitely enrolled. How I know if I haven't gotten confirmation? Eh. Well. I sent them a submission letter ofc."
That's when I looked at my watch and said "Ooh time sure does fly fast! I need to hurry if I'm to catch the bus. Thank you for your time. Goodluck with your submission. Bye."
There's no point in apologizing. They won't gain anything by being reminded that you rejected them and they likely wouldn't feel better knowing why. If they say something, then apologize vaguely. If they press provide details. Otherwise ignore.
I agree with this, OP. After some time has passed, it's also pretty likely that the other person has just moved on anyway and that they also would want to avoid the awkwardness of that diacussion
Chicken shit moves always deserve an apology.
I'd act like it never happened. If they recognize that they got weird, then they deserve some dignity. If they don't, then I don't want to get into that hot mess.
This is excellent advice
Yeah thats what I thought too. Thanks
First of all, this is why you don’t date people at work lol
But yeah, I’d apologize and make up some excuse for not replying. I’d also be clear that you aren’t interested. In the future, just make it clear you aren’t interested instead of ghosting, so you can skip all those in between steps
Ok I was 18 and we were at uni and in a different country lmao. No way was this situation predictable. But yeah no more ghosting.
Sounds like the work situation is new, like they dated someone who they will now be working with
Not even working together, I'm on a project for the company she works at for a few months and don't wanna bump into her.
Small world 😄
Maybe. I thought of it more like a return to office or promotion/transfer situation
As long as you demonstrated value, engaged physically, nurtured dependence, neglected emotionally, inspired hope, then separated entirely, you should be all good to go
Morally, don't ghost in the first place and apologise if you have regardless of if you're going to run into them, that's the mature thing to do
I did this with my old best friend. I eventually apologised because the guilt was invading my dreams. It let me at least explain to him why I had to cut off all ties. We met one out two times since then but sadly the reasons that made me cut off contact have not been resolved.
But yeah, if it will make you feel better, I suggest doing it
Probably would help with my guilt but that sounds like a selfish reason to do it. (No offence intended to you, your friendship was clearly more serious and it sounds like a reasonable decision there).
Well it does have the double benefit of hopefully making them feel better. Either way it's worth a shot.
Just pretend nothing happened. If they bring it up say it was someone else. If they insist say that you dont remember. It's the easiest way.
It is the easiest way. It's also the coward's way.
So?