Wish I started this shit earlier. It's sad to think about all the wasted potential and chronic under achievement.
this post was submitted on 24 Aug 2023
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ADHD
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Are you also a recipient of the "You have potential, you're just lazy" award?
Its sad to see that we all bear that weight of all these great expectations we just couldn't seem to meet, despite our best efforts.
Every. Report. In. School.
After my diagnose my life changed. I got a master degree while working full time and raising two kids.
I'm considering getting back on meds because my job is so demanding lately.
Those thoughts are natural but it’s important to put them behind you.
I was diagnosed at 39 and had the same thoughts about the wasted time, but less than a year later I was driving, had a car, drug use dropped dramatically, made better choices (not perfect), and now I work as a software developer.
I still can’t believe the before and after and the fact I have wanted to do this career for 20 years but I made it in the end.
This doesn’t mean I am “happy”, I don’t think I ever need I’ll be but I’m happier and that’s important to me.
I majored in communications because I was so burnt down after secondary school that it was more a process of elimination - I couldn't do everything from A to Y, so that only left Z. But I would've liked to go into something to do with computers.
My father's a software developer too, and seeing my neurotypical younger brother following in his footsteps now is a bittersweet experience. He gets a lot more attention from our dad, and I feel like he's the white sheep of the family, where I'm the black sheep for not being able to do well in life
I don't know if I'll ever retrain to pursue that career, but I'm in my mid 20s and there's time if I'd like to. Right now I have a stable career, and I'm working towards life milestones one day at a time.
My partner helped get me Dx'd seven years ago. Was medicated for three years until Cigna decided what was 'best' for me and overruled my pDoc.
My partner likes to remind me that for over thirty years, I managed with my own cooing mechanisms, which they think are amazing. They also point out how my creative projects have benefitted from an intense focus, not scatterbrained ADHD 'squirrel!' problems.
I do suspect at least a few jobs I had over the years could have been easier with meds though...
Fuck. I have a psych appointment with a new psychiatrist next week and I am hoping to god she hears me and helps. I have SO MUCH that I’m constantly falling behind on and the fucking task paralysis will be the death of me. I hate watching myself make these moves when I know full well that I aught to be doing something different or not put that email off until tomorrow which turns into next week. I’m less than 2 months out from this fucking conference I’m building and I have no keynote speaker. Like…. Fuck. It’s just too big and I can’t even think about actually dealing with it.
Neurodivergent people are the ones who's obsessive nature has probably lead to many of the core discoveries in all major fields IMO. There is no struggle to concentrate when the desire to work on something pervades your entire being. Unfortunately we are not all lucky enough to have a job that pays us for our genuine interests.
My interests are like that other meme that got shared here recently, lol. I'm a jack of many, many trades, and I can't ever seem to complete projects I start, though I am trying more now.
For people like me, being stuck monetising a single interest strikes this deep sense of unease in me. I've been working a few years now, and I've decided to stick to something I'm not passionate about, but I can do the job to my abilities and put a lid on at the end of the day.
Anything else would probably consume my thoughts and leave me feeling mentally exhausted. It's like task paralysis, but worse.
Well said, MrPoopyButthole
I'm still awaiting a diagnosis, being middle aged and having been unmedicated my entire life. It only really dawned on me, despite the suggestion years back by my spouse, that I was perhaps undiagnosed.
Hearing anecdotal accounts like yours, and those I had in years gone from people successfully medicated, really inspire some hope in me.
My partner was also the one who suggested I get checked. I hope you'll be able to find the support and help you're seeking soon, because it really makes a difference.
All those flaws you've kicked yourself over for a lifetime suddenly become manageable and doable with medication, in my own experience. It's such a: "Wait, that's it? That's all it takes?" moment.
I'm kind of in this boat myself now and am thinking about if I should try to get diagnosed. Had it not been for adhd memes on Reddit and here I would never have identified the commonalities. I feel like it might be a stretch, but my procrastination is legendary around the house and my flaws seem pretty ADHD symptoms.
I've just feared seeking a diagnosis in that it might have negative repercussions on my life, (which I generally like as is), but I'm giving it more thought now.
You don't need to disclose the diagnosis to your employer as long as you're not seeking any accomodations. I've personally withheld my diagnosis from my boss since there's no need for accomodations beyond my medication.
I used to have a very hard time staying awake in meetings that didn't involve me directly, and medication has been a lifesaver. There will be people who insist you never had a problem before, etc, but I'd encourage you to just ignore them and do what's in your best interest. You know yourself best.
I think it's definitely worth looking into. ADHD doesn't have the stigma these days like it used to. More and more people are being diagnosed with it now, not because it's over-diagnosed but because we know more about it than we ever have. 20 years ago when I was first diagnosed (and subsequently lapsed taking my meds until recently) it was seen almost entirely as a focus thing. Now we know it affects so much more. Poor executive function has an effect on both mood and our interactions and relationships with others. Impulse control can be an issue. I know the inability for my brain to easily switch tracks meant that I would get hung up on stuff that most people were able to just move on from easily. Since being medicated my mood is vastly improved. It's not from the serotonin boost completely but more in the way that I don't get stuck in a specific mindset that I can't move on from.
And like I said, it's super normal now. Social repercussions are almost nil and once you get your meds figured out, your day-to-day could only be improved. I still do all the things I used to, but now I'm able to find the motivation to get things done that I had been avoiding before. I clean more often and I don't put things off.
I was diagnosed at 16, took a couple years to get my meds figured out and then around 20 stopped taking it for reasons I no longer remember. I'm around middle-age now and was talking to a coworker who got a diagnosis. I was telling them about my experiences with meds back in the day and we were talking about things to do to help. That's when I realized that all of the coping mechanisms I've developed over the years to deal with depression and anxiety had a lot of overlap with ADHD coping mechanisms (planning everything out and waiting for a manic day to get everything done). So I went and got diagnosed again about a couple months ago. I did have an advantage in getting my meds set because I had already gone through that dance decades ago so we just skipped right to the Adderall that I ended up with back then. It was an amazing over-night change.
I say all this to say that I hope you don't get discouraged if finding the right medication takes some time. The coworker I mentioned recently took a break from trying different meds because they got disheartened by the failures. I hope you stick with it. The results are definitely worth it. I used to have to wait until I had ample time to even sit down and plan out all my activities that needed to be done and often things that weren't 100% necessary were just put off until I had a "good" day where I felt naturally productive. Then I'd knock them all out and get exhausted. Now I'm able to get things done before after and even during work (don't tell my boss). I still plan things out and excessively, but it just makes me more productive. I used to be overwhelmed by the need to be productive but the inability to do so. Now I'm going back to school after 20 years and my life feels organized for the first time in my life. Stick with it. The work is worth it.
I appreciate you taking the time to share it. I'm committed to sticking with it as best I can.
(paraphrased from memory, not verbatim) Adhd is a genetic condition which warrants genetic therapy. Stimulants work well for this but they only work while it is in the bloodstream.
-- Dr. Russel Barkley, paraphrased from one of talks on adhd
Personally different stimulants have different effects on different people. On Ritalin I am super chatty but cannot focus. On adderall/vyvanse I am not always chatty but I can focus. The generic of vyvanse is supposed to be out soon and if anyone is looking for all day meds but want something a little more gentle than the come up of adderall definitely talk to your doc. Tangent, but vyvanse has an interesting delivery mechanism: its a prodrug that turns into a stumulant in your GI tract. As such, it uses your digesting of food throughout the day to produce more stimulant. One advantage of vyvanse is that it cannot get you high if it is snorted (which helps alleviate the concern of abuse) because it must be made into a stimulant in your body. The big problem with vyvanse for a while has been that it's non-generic and something like $400 a month if paid out of pocket.
Damn I'm so glad I don't have to care about how much my meds cost.
I'm on elvanse (same as vyvanse) and it's the best of them so far but I still get plenty of side effects, I'd definitely wish I could just "fix" things instead of taking stimulants.
I only recently was able to work at a place that got good enough health insurance to afford vyvanse. It was still something that I needed to try the generic, and insurance-preferred drugs first like Adderall XR but once I tried it and mentioned that it didn’t work so well, I could get the Vyvnase Rx filled. $30 copay instead of $10 but well worth it. Generally, the only reason for this is because there’s no generic. So hopefully with the generic coming soon more adhd folks could try this.
I too wish I didn’t have to take meds. I wish my brain just worked the way it should. The thing about ADHD is though you’re already likely finding your own stimulants or stimuli. Kids with ADHD unknowningly self-medicate with sugar. Actually, Dr. Russell Barkley also mentions that if you have ADHD and you aren’t medicated and you want to have your brain work a little better for a short duration, you can sip (he emphases slowly sip) on a sugary beverage such as a soda. Liquified sugar passes the blood-brain barrier faster than solid sugars would in the stomach. Sugar itself lights up similar pathways in the brain as cocaine.
There are other forms of stimulation besides drugs but the intention of the drugs is to provide a baseline level of stimulation so that you don’t need to seek out your own stimulation (or, not as much of it). It’s such a strange thing to explain to people, but in order for me to concentrate on what someone is saying, I need to be doing something else at the same time.
Glad you're getting your meds!
Agree about ADHD people needing to find their own stimulation, one way or another. In my case I learned to use stress. It's my superpower. I can summon a stress response on command, until I just couldn't turn it off.
So a big reason to take my meds is to try to replace that stress response since it's making me crash mentally and physically. Even with meds, I spent most of my life not diagnosed, so it's hard to stop.
Caution about using stress as a stimulant. Sometimes life gets stressful, then you have stress on stress on stress. Or maybe that’s just me
No, definitely. I wasn't clear enough but using stress as stimulant most of my life has left me with long term physical and mental sequelae.
I forget if Vyvanse is available in my country, or if it's only available in longer effect doses here. I've also heard about Concerta (is that the name?) but so far I've only tried Ritalin and it works pretty alright if I'm not overstimulated when it starts kicking in.
I have gotten overstimulated when I went out shopping once while it was in effect. Not a pleasant experience, but definitely a new one.
That's a pretty interesting fact about Vyvanse though. What's the window of effect for the one you take?
Concerta isn't a stimulant. And if adderall isn't allowed in your country, vyvanse likely will also not be available. Both adderall and vyvanse are amphetamines/ mixed amphetamine salts. The other option for stimulant meds is Ritalin which is Methylphenidate. In the US, doctors can technically prescribe methamphetamine but it is very rare if ever prescribed because it isn't as good of an adhd med.
As far as a window for effect, the deug works something like 12 to 18 hours, which is perfect for me because I need it to do housework, work a d housework when I am home.
There are some antidepressants, like Wellbutrin, that are used off-label for ADHD very effectively, if anyone is interested in a non-simulant option. In my experience it doesn't help so much with focus directly, but it makes the "boring" tasks feel less boring and thus easier to focus on. It's especially effective for those with more of the depression symptoms that often accompany ADHD too.
Yeah, it's double. I quit Concerta a few days after I concocted the plan to sabotage CERN in Switzerland because I was convinced they would create a universe swallowing black hole when they would boot their large hadron collider. I had the bugout bag with supplied ready. Car fueled up and extra supplies in the trunk. Thank god I had an appointment with my psychiatrist to renew my prescription at that time. I told about my concerns and she figured out I was becoming paranoid because of a certain hyperfocus.
On that other hand, the few years I took it all the stuff that went dramatically wrong in my life because of me forgetting or not caring went away.
Watching/playing Steins;Gate?
Never heard of it but I'll have a look.