ADHD

When I'm around other people, I tend to do what they expect me to do. I suspect that this is mostly due to the shame associated with failing to meet expectations when the person with the expectations is right there right now (as opposed to being in the future). I think I would have gone completely off the rails years ago if I didn't have family members willing to come stay with me (or let me stay with them) during bad times (bad here being periods of depression which would make it almost impossible to do anything alone).

People who aren't my family are actually more effective. I suppose that's because I know my family will love me anyway even if I keep disappointing them. I had a boss at one job who worked with me very closely every day and I was an excellent employee there because of that. It was the happiest period of my adult life, but then the company went out of business. I'm still friends with that boss.

One time, I hired a woman to come do household chores with me once a week, because I would be too uncomfortable to sit there doing nothing while she worked. Another time I paid a guy to stop by every morning for ten or fifteen minutes to make sure that I left for work on time. I was never late even once when he did that, but after he became busy with something else, I never hired a replacement.

I don't usually have someone helping me. It feels like hiring an expensive babysitter and I'm ashamed that I would need such a thing as an adult. (I tend to feel lots of shame...) I can reason that an expensive babysitter is better than losing my job, living in squalor, etc. but so far I haven't been able to change how I feel.

Not sure if related, but I have absolutely no problem getting things in the household done when I'm voicechatting with a friend. Odd as it is, videos that don't require watching while listening (e. g. youtubers that just talk into the camera) also work, but podcasts don't (must be mental).

When I can't get my "fix", no friends with time online and no interesting video of that type, I end up searching for it so long that I get too little sleep, rather than just do the 15 minutes work without.

Yup, I definitely benefit a lot from concerted body doubling and, with my partner's frequent migraines, I often have a lot of days I just lose because they'll need help eating, changing ice/heating elements and just be mellow all day. I find it extremely hard to focus on those days so their sick days are essentially sick days for me too.

My SO and I are both not diagnosed nor are we claiming that there should be a diagnosis, but my SO especially benefits a lot from my body doubling. Be it to wash their hair, knock out some chores, it helps when I'm around either talking to them or joining

That's not the case for me, I can start doing stuff while talking with someone that is sitting, watching TV, or whatever.

I think having someone near your serves two purposes:

1. It helps your brain produce happiness juice (dopamine), that makes doing stuff easier.
2. They act as an anchor, helping you stay at one place and focus on what you should be doing, like a physical reminder.

If other people negatively impact your ability to get things done, I would suggest looking into it. Maybe you are subconsciously copying them, or you feel same shame doing stuff while others are not. I am not trying to invalidate your experience, just suggesting that it's possible you can gain a better understanding of it if you dive deeper.

Oh yeah, 100%.

I actually just ended a nearly 5-year long partnership because I (at the time subconsciously) realized that something like that was happening to me, and it was getting worse, not better. Granted, it’s a bit of a mirror to what you’re describing, but not having my (now ex) partner around has granted me a frankly shocking amount of energy that I now see was just being sapped away due to their extreme depression and sedentary nature. Ngl, there’s parts that are rough (because, you know, five years is a lot of history with a person), but on balance I genuinely feel WAY better, and I feel like I’m continuing to move in a positive direction, personally.

There’s also probably some codependency shit I need to dig into with my therapist, but I’m at least much more aware of these tendencies nowadays, so I can actually try to actively mitigate the negative aspects.