Being useful is tightly tied to my identity, if I didn't believe I was being useful, I'd feel shame and guilt and try to find a way to provide value to my community.
this post was submitted on 23 Aug 2023
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While it is a big part of me, of my identity, it has nothing to do with my masculinity. I also don't feel like it is my obligation or pressured to do something. Instead, I ask people when I see something I could easily fix. Or I just do it without telling anyone. I like fixing stuff. I hate having to use broken stuff.
It's hard to even imagine to exist and not feel the need of being useful.
Thanks for starting off the discussion!
I don’t feel pressured to be useful and it’s one of the adjectives I never felt comfortable applying to myself. I’d say it’s one of the adjectives as a gay man that has made me feel like I don’t belong in straight male spaces that I was an imposter who didn’t know how to behave in them and who was fundamentally an outsider.
I’ve nowadays become very comfortable with accepting that I still wouldn’t use useful as an adjective or concept for myself and still feel happy with myself. That pressure in the past was crazy uncomfortable to me though as it just wasn’t a natural fit for me so I totally empathise with anyone struggling with it.
Previous discussion on this community: https://slrpnk.net/post/917764
Previous discussion over on /m/askmen: https://slrpnk.net/post/917780
No pressure required... Being useful is what I am and what I've always been. I'm a farmer and tradesman and almost completely self-sufficient in a rural area, so it's rare that I even sit down. Everything I have I've built or repaired myself. If I do sit down it's usually because I'm learning new skills or knowledge, or sharing mine with others.
I try to have a surplus of everything so I can give it away to people who need it, I'll fix appliances or vehicles or infrastructure for anyone who needs the help. If I'm truly bored I'll go down to the dump and pick through the steel pile for something I can fix up or use for materials.
I'll admit straight up that I don't think much of a man if he isn't useful in some way. Men evolved to be strong and driven so that we can build and support others, IMO. Personally I don't associate with useless people of either gender, I don't have time for them. Better pitch in if you want to be a part of the community where I live.
I think the pressure is there, and I think the word itself is one of the ways men are objectified. Objects are used, people should not be.
We're social creatures by nature, and we all have needs. Fortunately or unfortunately our needs cannot be met without effort. I think everyone who can should contribute at least as much as they consume, if not more for the betterment of society. The way I see it, you have two ways of contributing to society.
- by being productive
- by augmenting others through positive interaction
There was a scene in the show "suits" where they were trying to fire the least productive intern, but before they fired him, they realized he made everyone around him more productive. That was his contribution, and getting rid of him would be a mistake.
I think with men it's often only the first form of contributing that counts as "useful" and I don't think that's a good thing.
If you have suggestions about the next week's prompt, please post them under this comment.