Why not give (Common)LISP a try?
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There's always nushell. It's fairly new, not quite to 1.0 yet (0.96.1 at time of writing), but the constant breaking changes seemed to have stopped. It hits all your points and it's quite fun to use when writing scripts. Bonus that it's also pretty much tailor-made to manipulate data.
You should probably check out Guile.
nim is great, but it is >200mb (plus AFAIK it is compiled... does it also have an interpreter?)
The part where it's compiled is what makes it have no dependencies to actually execute
Perl would be my candidate for more advanced text handling than what sh can do.
Never used Lua but I think it's fun.
If nothing else works, just learn C/Rust. There's plenty of that on Linux systems, I think you'll be able to manage. Yes, it doesn't meet a lot of your requirements.
posix sh + awk for manipulating data?
Quickly came to write "AWK!!!!!!!!!" but yeah... you don't want its superiority... 😜
Bro seriously just slap pyenv + pyenv-virtualenv on your systems and you’re good to go. They’re absolutely trivial to install. Iirc the latter is not a thing in windows, but if you’re stuck on windows for some reason and doing any serious scripting, you should be using WSL anyways.
You could use Ansible for automation just keep in mind it needs python.
It is possible to wrap something like python into a single file, which is extracted (using standard shell tools) into a tmpdir at runtime.
You might also consider languages that can compile to static binaries - something like nim (python like syntax), although you could also make use of nimscript. Imagine nimscript as your own extensible interpreter.
Similarly, golang has some extensible scripting languages like https://github.com/traefik/yaegi - go has the advantage of easy cross compiling if you need to support different machine architectures.
Bash
perl might be on all your systems. It’s kind-of a legacy, but still actively developed. It’s not a great language: it looks like bash scripting on steroids. But if you just need to write some small scripts with a language more powerful than awk or bash, it does the job. If perl isn’t on all of your systems already, then I would choose a better scripting language.
TBH I don't even use awk that much, even that is plenty powerful for my needs. Perl absolutely blows my mind with how needlessly complex I can make stuff with it
Everyone always dunkin' on Perl, but I can't even tell you how often it's been the best tool for the job. Like, at least 3
@gomp Small footprint? Why not try forth. https://forth-standard.org/
I fear I am not enough reverse (or Polish, for that matter) :)
Anyway, I have great esteem for you (if you actually use forth and are not just trolling)