You are cryogenically frozen eternally when at your healthiest
this post was submitted on 12 May 2024
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Congratulations! You have been crushed into a cone shape.
Granted.
Your body is now an inanimate statue shaped like a Tibetan (a "peak" human.)
Peak human shape is obviously the largest shape, you will always be the worlds fattest man.
The monkeys paw curls.
An invisible force prevents you from doing anything that would be even remotely detrimental to your health.
You are puppeteered through your every day, losing all agency in your life choices as your invisible guide takes you through a 24/7 balanced and healthy training and diet regimen. Your physical health skyrockets as your mental health nosedives.
You dread waking up but as soon as you've had precisely the right amount of sleep you are jolted awake with a prod, immediately sitting bolt upright to resume your routine, prisoner to your own gorgeous shell.
You begin to look forward to the bland meals, because at least they're a break from the puppeteering. Well, as long as you wilfully eat.
Granted. You never age. You watch all your friends and family get injured, become sick, die. You tire of losing people eventually and become a hermit. Your physical health is no substitute for human companionship, though, and you start to lose your grip on reality. You never grasp it again. All the money you've built up through simple compound interest ensures that you do receive care, but your doctors notice that no matter how hard you slam your head into the wall, how many drugs you are given, how little you move for weeks on end, you remain in peak physical condition. They begin to study your physiology. Passive at first, they start to take it further and further. They never discover the font of your health, but they never stop trying, never stop the cutting, slicing off bits of you to put on the microscope slides, never stop the needles to suck out your fluids and put them into the centrifuge. That your mind had gone before they started the years and years of study is a mercy to them; they don't see you as human. They couldn't do what they do to you to a human, after all.
Done. The next day you’re hit by a bus. At your funeral, many people remark that you look extremely fit, despite being a corpse.
Perpetual altitude sickness.
Sure, but you get chronically depressed
So I get what I want and nothing else changes? Perfect!
Granted. Peak human shape was achieved only in Homo Erectus. Enjoy your new body.