Transfem

Just want to note ahead of time, yes I'm in an enormous amount of therapy already

Nothing in particularly spicy detail but topics and possible triggers include: Surgery, breakups, alcoholism, sex, generally poor mental health

I'm having surgery in June which I'm very excited about but also it's a big thing to be going through and I've needed a lot of emotional support. I spent the last few years building up my social circle and being in a vibrant polycule. In the last year though I've managed to go through 5 breakups, 4 of which were very long term, and now a divorce. This most recent breakup has been so hard on me, I was starting to heal from my paranoia I'd get dumped out of nowhere, the day I finally couldn't hold it in any more and was going to tell them I loved them they broke up with me before I had the chance. I don't have any partners left, I've only got a couple friends left one of them is in a different state. I spent years lining up my social circle with a lot of care and now that I need it most it's just crumbles. This recent breakup was kinda my last hope to have a grounding intimate relationship through surgery. They were such a lucky find and everything I've been hoping for and missing and I was healing so much pain just being around them but that's all gone now. There's only like 10 weeks before surgery and last time I tried finding anyone it took months of heartbreaking work. I don't do well without physical comfort, I'm back to sleeping only a couple hours a night, I'm losing weight again really quickly, I can feel my body falling apart from the stress

I'm doing what I can to find people, going to bars even though I've been sober for almost three years now (I'm getting Shirley Temples so I feel less out of place), I've completely gone through multiple dating apps, I even went to a sex club for the first time the other day which was kinda magical but didn't help with a lot of what I'm going through. I'm scared something is going to go wrong with surgery and I feel a major urge to use what I've got while it is still here. I'm also not very attracted to other trans women which I feel ostracizes me from the local trans community. Often the expectation is because I'm into women and I'm trans I should make exceptions on my genital preferences for trans women; this has caused a major disconnect with how I'm able to socialize with the local trans community. It's so difficult to find people I match well with physically and emotionally and I've lost everyone I spent years finding. I was really hoping to have an intimate relationship to ground me before and after surgery and to have a trusting relationship be there while I'm learning my new body.

My tranniversary is coming up soon too. The last couple I had were filled with people and they were so special. This one I knew there wouldn't be very many people so I made plans with my now ex, we were going to do something out of town just us so I could get away from the bad feelings. Now I guess I get to celebrate my tranniversary alone, the one a month before surgery.

I don't know how I'm going to keep doing this. After surgery instead of being in a caring environment I get to split finances in the divorce and move into an apartment likely by myself maybe with total strangers. I'm completely burnt out at work, at life, I feel cut off from people and now I have major trust issues. I honestly don't know how I've gotten this far without picking up drinking again. Every day I want to nose dive off the wagon.

I'm so hurt and scared and don't think 10 weeks is enough time to figure out how not to be. I know going to clubs and stuff trying to hook up probably isn't good for me but I don't know how to stop this empty pain in me without human comfort