Hello everyone! My name is Emma. I’ve been thinking I was gender non conforming for about five years now, but didn’t have the courage to act on my desire until I entered into my current relationship two years ago or so. My partner is queer and very supportive of me. I started to realize how unhappy my perception of my body and gender was; how unhappy I was with others perception of my gender. As a result, I started medical transition about nine months ago. I have desire to change my voice, to have breasts, to reduce the amount of body hair I have. And yet, I don’t really carry myself differently or act much differently than before. I’ve always crossed my legs when I sit and tried to make myself seem smaller than I am because I’ve always hated my height (I’m very very tall).
One thing that definitely has changed is that I’ve gotten more and more dysphoric over the short time I’ve been on hormones. I’ve talked about this with my partner and thought through it myself and believe, to a degree, that this is due to me unpacking pain that I had repressed over time. That the discomfort with my body was always there and I had just always crushed it down to allow myself to function despite it. This came at a cost of worsening depression, anxiety, and insecurity. For example, I never enjoyed shopping for clothes, looking masculine, wearing anything that showed off my body. As a result I never felt comfortable in my clothes or body and hated my appearance. Now though, I love shopping for clothes! At least online anyway, in person stores never have clothes for women my height :p (love you long tall sally!)
But… there’s a devil on my shoulder which says that I’m becoming more dysphoric because I’m not really trans. Because I’m really a man and I’m just lying to myself. I’m just doing this because I never felt I had a space to belong. I’m just appropriating the culture of people I respect and admire. I’m just trying to fit into women’s spaces, take advantage of the kindness of queer people to gain a sense of community where I never had one before. Writing that out, the internalized transphobia is pretty clear, huh?
I think part of my ever increasing feeling of dysphoria is not dressing how I want to and presenting how I want to out of fear of harassment or abuse from others in public. I ride public transit everywhere and see people get harassed daily and don’t want that to be me. So, I dress more masculine out of fear. Because of that masculine presentation, I get scared to use the women’s restrooms at work and find myself hiding in the stalls until all the other people leave before I go wash my hands. Which is dumb, because people at my job are super supportive and kind. Thinking of myself as a woman always feels wrong because I’m not feminine enough, my voice is too low, I’m too tall, I wear more masculine clothes, etc.
So lately I’ve been wracked with insecurity wondering if this was all the right decision for me. I have the same interests and the same depression. Obviously estrogen didn’t cure my mental illness. Transitioning has made some aspects of it worse and some aspects of it more bearable. And the worry that’s always there is whether I’m doing all this for the right reasons. Whether my dysphoria will ever start decreasing in severity rather than increasing. At the same time, the thought of detransitioning is agonizing.
It feels silly looking back now on how I thought transition would cure my mental illness. How I thought going on estrogen would cure my dysphoria. How I thought leaving my home state of Texas and moving to a more progressive state would free my mind and body from transphobia external and internal. There is no magic cure for mental illness or dysphoria. There is no promised land free of transphobia.
Ultimately, I’m doing okay. Im still happier and more comfortable than I was when I thought I was a man. I’m making this post wondering if any of you have/had a similar experience, similar anxieties, or similar doubts to me. How do you cope with your anxiety about transition or insecurity in your identity? How do you deal with stagnant or worsening dysphoria?
Undergoing hormonal transition draws a ton of attention to things you want to change, and often a frustration that everything isn't instantly the way you wish it was.
What I mean to say, is most people feel an increase in dysphoria in the first couple years of HRT. You're paying so much more attention to things that make you feel dysphoric in the hope they'll change. It's hard as hell and I really feel you on it :( I doubted myself too. I destrantioned completely for it and other social reasons. I was wrong to detransition, but I needed to know. 3 months after I detransitioned I started taking HRT in secret again, and fully retransitioned. I made the right choice. My dysphoria did not go away when I tried to be a man again, it got significantly worse watching my face and body remasculinize.
I also had mental health issues, some that got worse after I transitioned. Like it's all complicated and interconnected and my dysphoria got better when I treated my mental health problems too. You need to be proactive. Treating your dysphoria and treating your mental health, both are important and both affect each other. You gotta stay on top of it.
But yeah it's normal to have doubts. Don't beat yourself up. Dysphoria will fluctuate, but in general, the longer you're on HRT and the more you change, about your presentation your voice your clothes and everything else - the less dysphoria you'll feel. The more confident you feel in yourself, in your gender, in your presentation, the better youll feel dysphoria wise. And it takes us all time to get there. Its all about continual self care and self compassion. Give yourself time girl. I believe in you. 💕 And we're here and a lot of us have been there.
Thank you very much for the comment. It really helps with the anxiety and doubt hearing other people have had similar experiences to me. Almost started tearing up at work when I read this 😭
It feels sometimes like it’s too hard and it would be so much easier to run away from it, but I know that it wouldn’t really be. Thanks for the reassurance, I believe some day it’ll get easier