this post was submitted on 08 Feb 2024
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That shit scarred me, and I think was a major contributor to an anxious-preoccuppied attachment style as an adult. A lifetime of being put on a pedestal from the recognition I was bright and a novel thinker, and then the judgment when I inevitably goofed something up left me with a deep -rooted belief that the true me was unworthy and an inevitable fuck up. "Taniwha is an intelligent and capable person, if only he would stop being such a fuck around." I learned not to trust myself because inevitability I'd do something impulsive, or miss some social queue, or not stay with the program, which made me very Other-focused and wanting to do the "right thing" so I didn't let everyone down again.
Every single report card and evaluation I've ever received was full of back handed compliments pointing to a moral failing. "... if only he just completed his homework on time," "... needs to stay focused," "... too much time socialising with/distracting his neighbour."
"Lots of potential ... If only ..." Never enough.
Fuck you. That was the thing I was born to struggle with. How many stupid kids got sent home with report cards that said things like, "John's a hard worker and attentive student. He has a lot of potential, but he needs to work on not being stupid."
Parents: "Johnny. You NEED to stop being so stupid in class, and start being smarter or you're going to need Canada's most disciplined ditch digger."
To this day, an accomplished academic, a variable professional, and kind person I still freak out inside when someone gets excited about me. I keep falling into relationships with avoidants because trying to please someone who I've let down is just about all I know.
My shrink said that this is basically the reason why full grown adults break down crying when they receive their diagnosis.
Basically they're discovering that they're not lazy pieces of shit.
I was diagnosed at 5 and kinda wish I hadn’t been.
I’ve spent my whole life knowing this is why, and having “the tools to fix it” but they never actually helped fix it. I took myself off meds from 13-34 (and managed to get a degree in that time, but never stable employment) because I didn’t think they helped, and at 34 I used them about 6 months to see if it was better.. it isn’t, so I just feel like an extra lazy piece of shit who can’t even function with meds.
So I get this really fun dual disappointment that not only have I not managed to overcome something I’ve always known about, I also can’t find things that help when other people find such relief.
Idk if this will help you process it all a bit better but more often than not the medication needs dialed to your specifics. They'll hit you with broad dosages that need to be fine tuned over a lengthy period of time.
That's why it feels like the medications aren't working most of the time. Because the dosage may not be correct for your body specifically.
This is something I've struggled with myself. The constant fight of "do I quit taking them entirely and just raw dog life, or do I keep going through the motions until we happen to get the right cocktail"
Maybe you already knew that but I hope it helps you realize why it's such a struggle.
Thanks, I appreciate you taking the time to write that out. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem to be a matter of finding a dose that works, hence the 6 month period as a cognizant adult. I wanted to see if it was any different than when I was young.
I was on a wicked high dose as a kid that I basically never came down from (my docs wouldn’t even give me that high a dose as an adult). They just kept dialing it up and up because it wasn’t really helping. That’s a big part of why I took myself off it at 13. The side effects were so bad I struggled to eat for years. As an adult I played with various meds and strengths and found them to be not very effective, but with highly unpleasant side effects, similar to when I was young. And I think I understand why they didn’t work as a kid, too.. they do give me some ability to concentrate, but exclusively on stuff I shouldn’t be focused on. It basically amplifies the bad habits, rather than helping fix them. I do still use them occasionally on my off days, when it doesn’t matter what I get done as long as it’s something, but they aren’t a useful tool in daily life.
I don’t know why it’s that way, but at this point I’ve spent so much of my life not using it, and finding so very little positive value from it when I do, that I’m not willing to jump through all the hoops in hopes that some whacky combo will hit right 4 years from now. I don’t have the energy to do all that when I have other things that need that energy more urgently. Sucks, but it is what it is I guess.
Thank you for sharing so much detail. I was diagnosed at 40. Fortunately for me the first drug (concerta) they tried worked really well and it took about 6mos to find the right dosage. Boy is too much readily apparent!
My daughter was diagnosed at 21, and it took a year for her. Same doc, started with same med and she was at double the dose I am at and it just wasn’t working right. Switched her to something else (sorry can’t remember exactly) and this one works WAY better for her.
I will go of it for a few days every month or so just to “reset” (doing this on my own feeling, doc didn’t tell me to do this) because it feels like the dose is just a touch too high but the next dose down is way too low. It’s been quite a game changer for me.
The medicine might not work for you either. Ritalin and it's derivatives dont work on me, but Adderall/vyvanse does (if I can manage to take a high enough dose, but it cranks my heart rate up).
It's... torture. Its unfair. Honestly being told that by so many people is kind of why I gave up for such a long time. If I ever tried again at all. All that same 'reinforcement' and 'feedback' thrown this way and I just got so tired of hoping to not disappoint people that I gave up and just stopped trying. If I was going to disappoint them anyway I might as well do it without torturing myself in the process, right?
I'm glad you pushed through. It's difficult as hell and to do it on your own and keep pushing, especially here in Canada where mental health supports are severely lacking? I don't know you but I'm proud of you.
...but how do you keep yourself from torturing yourself for disappointing yourself?
Yeah, there's a part of me still believes I should be doing more. After my marriage failed it took a lot of feedback and journaling to accept that despite some human failings, I'm a good dad! My kids love being with me. I know them. I care for them, and I'm constantly getting better. (I ended up in subsidized housing, and there are a bunch of mums here that know what a shitty man looks like. They've done wonders for my self esteem.)
Absolutely. I definitely went through a decade after I went to university where fucking around was just a self-defense. You can't fail if you never really try. I smoked a tonne of pot. Somehow I still came out with a fairly respectable level of success. I think I've at some levels deliberately dated damaged women because having a dysfunctional relationship was 'easier' than letting someone down.
Feeling this big time. I'm sure many of us can relate way to hard to that.
If anyone asks me to take on too big of a project that requires too much planning or stretch I freak the fuck out and inevitably fail to pull it off not just because of difficulties with ADHD but also because the emotional trauma from failing to live up to expectations over and over again is paralyzing.
I'm fortunate to have found a gig where I can basically just get better at the same thing and increase my level of challenge more incrementally. And I'm recognized and respected and valued by peers and bosses. I don't need promotions or more stress or responsibility. I can contribute to helping junior folks.
I will say that getting diagnosed and thus discovering my inability to finish things or "meet my potential" wasn't a moral failing and I let myself off the hook for a lot of things pretty fast. Sure the trauma response remained but at least I wasn't constantly berating myself anymore.
we're in the same boat, friend. It's hell trying to unlearn a lifetime of being told how much "unfulfilled potential" we have
R u me
I still struggle with it