Autism

Of course! Here you go.

Our brains have 4 mechanisms to survive in the presence of danger: flight, fight, freeze, & fawn. Fawning is basically giving the threat what they want to avoid the consequences of not doing so. For example, if a bear wants your fish, you give it to them so they leave you alone. In social situations, we use fawning to people-please to avoid social conflict and earn approval of others. Autistics have learned to use fawning extensively because of the abuse we endured throughout our lives. We do it so much that it becomes automatic. Fawning looks like masking for autistics. If everyone wants to go to a loud bar and you agree to it though you don’t really want to, that is fawning. The sounds, the smells, the chaos…all that would drive me crazy unless I drink. If I tell people that I’m extra sensitive to those stimuli, then I might get ridiculed or ostracized. Since I don’t want that to happen to me, I decide that I would rather endure the bar scene than be insulted and alone. Outwardly, it looks like I’m happy to go. Inwardly, I am denying my experience and may get overwhelmed at the scene, which can lead to crappy behaviors, such as too much drinking.

In the long run, masking is fawning: a modern day survival instinct. However, it can lead to mental health issues because we are placing ourselves in stressful situations that wreak havoc on our minds and bodies.

Signs of fawning: constantly attempting to please others, ignoring your own beliefs, inability to set boundaries/say no, a lack of a personal identity, ignoring your own needs to address the needs of others, and responding to criticism with apologies and praise.

For NTs, they might not be aware how much an autistic is fawning. We might seem like we are not experiencing a trauma stress response. Tips for seeing fawning in autistics is if they act like something that is important is suddenly not important anymore after an NT criticizes it. Another sign is that the autistic person may seem like they’re constantly apologizing.

The cause of fawning is lifelong abuse and trauma. Being autistic makes us vulnerable to lifelong trauma. Autistics experience criticism, punishment, and ostracization for being autistic. They are also told to suppress their true-selves. For instance, autistics are told to not stim. In this sense, we are taught to fawn at an early age in order to avoid punishment. Autistics are also held to the same standards as NTs, but we don’t have the same brains. We then fail at it and are criticized for something that is natural to them. Additionally, since we’re being attacked for not meeting their standards, we miss out on being praised for who we are. We don’t get validated for being us, so we develop masking/fawning to survive.

Fawning is exhausting and debilitating. “I’d rather just punch the sabretooth tiger in the face, than say, ‘Wow, you’re a really good eater. Thank you so much for eating my legs first.’” Fawning further alienates autistic people in a world in which they are already alienated.

Over time, fawning leads to toxic and abusive relationships. There are no healthy relationships because it diminishes our self worth. Fawning is damaging across our lives, from romantic relationships to healthcare.

He covered some key strategies for NTs to help autistics. One, stop punishing them for their non-harmful autistic behaviors. Help them identify their feelings when faced with conflict. If the autistic person is told they can’t do something they really wanted to do, help them identify the bad feelings they are experiencing because of it. Two, encourage them to think about their own needs. Autistics that engage in fawning are extremely selfless because they are focused on people-pleasing, so encouraging them to think about themselves is crucial. Three, actively praise them when they show self-advocacy. For example, praise them when they show a preference or choose something, then reward them for choosing something that would be nice to them. Give them different options for them to choose what they want to engage in. Four, model helpful behaviors for them to imitate. Five, encourage them to set boundaries and tell people “no”. Six, discourage fawning/people-pleasing. “You don’t need to please me.”