this post was submitted on 28 Jun 2023
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Yeah dude! It can help to watch queer things - maybe try Unhhhh, Ru Paul, or Queer Eye? Just to sort of...help you feel familiar with what you're seeing and hearing. Being aware of queer ideas and spaces and vocab is probably the #1 thing here.
Otherwise, if something like rainbow pins and stickers are too overt, and ditto earrings or nail polish, you could consider just sort of...looking fashionable. Hair and skin, nice shoes, well fitted clothes, color and flair, all of that (at least to me) signifies "I didn't vote for trump and I know what a French tuck is." Obviously not a failsafe metric, but it can help.
It doesn't take a lot to show you're safe, most of the time. Another good option is, if the chance comes up w/o busting into other people's spaces, put yourself out there a little or offer a complement or a supportive remark.
Okay last thing. To really be safe, and be an ally, you may need to confront members of your family who pose a threat/risk to queer people in public. Telling off your homophobic aunt is a GOOD way to show who you are.
Fashion is something I've never been good with (now thanks to google I know what a french tuck is), but I've tried to get out of my comfort zone wearing more form fitting clothes. As for making compliments, I never really know what to say to sound genuine. I make an effort to use pronouns that match how I think an individual is presenting, and using they/them when I'm not sure, but I'm nervous about invading other's space, or accidentally drawing too much attention. My daughters are getting old enough to want their nails painted, so maybe I can let them practice on me and just leave it on a finger or two when I'm out and about. I'm working on having the courage to confront my family when they're being bigots, but it's much easier said than done obviously. As my daughters get older, I'll have more courage to put my foot down, since I absolutely will not having my kids pick up my family's judgemental ways.
I think everything you're saying makes lots of sense. The only thing I want to add is that the discomfort and confusion you're dealing with around this isn't because of you. You live in an intolerant, homophobic society and you're trying to figure out how to treat people well who are marginalized and excluded by that society.
It's genuinely difficult, because you have to choose which social norms to ignore, which to try to change, and which to follow. Doing that with grace is very hard. And putting in effort is the single most important thing.
Maybe I know too many "clean" homophobes
Maybe I've seen to many people with a lisp that are homophobes.
Maybe most of the time I see queer folk they aren't all dolled up.
Maybe I work blue collar and the only personalization to my person while on the clock are my purple boot laces.
But I don't quite like the "gay people HAVE to look good" vibes I got from reading the first half.
Second half is good though. One of the people I used to work with let their kids painted their nails. So I did the same to make fun of people who complained that he did something nice for their kids.
I'm also not the biggest fan of introducing with pronouns. Time and place, I've done it before and certain contexts it is good to do. I don't like getting limited by gender. I would rather people treat me for me. I'm a "man" so I must abuse my spouse and never wash my butt. Or I'm an enby so I must be a soft bottom.