weirdway

When I was first starting out in this big dream called "a span of human life" I had a spiritual mentor. He was a really amazing guy who inspired me and dared me every day. A big thing he was encouraging me to do at the time was to die. Needless to say, he was no conventional softie.

But one day he took to calling himself "Rama." And regardless that I had so many amazing experiences by that time, I was really upset. None of my "dying" experiences have prepared me for my mentor calling himself "Rama." I was really upset. And I couldn't tell him about my upset because I looked up to him. Instead I just stopped talking. I turned out OK in the end, but I learned a valuable lesson.

Firstly, I realized how much meaning I unconsciously attached to words. I mean "Rama" is just a word. But wait, it means something! It's not just a word! It's important! (Or is it?)

Secondly, I realized (eventually) how socially-dependent my self-image was. In my own mind I wasn't merely who I thought I was. In my own mind I was someone who was defined by my relation to other people as I knew them. So what other people said of me and to me and the way they related to me constituted my conventional identity as much as any of my own ideas about myself. The reason for that is because it was I, myself, who put so much importance on all that conventional information. I was unconsciously taking conventional appearances as informative. Once I realized that, I started taking more responsibility for how I assign meanings. I still get snagged here and there, but things are much better now. I am pretty confident that no amount of ambient Ramas can upset me now just by calling themselves "Rama."

Back then the biggest thought in my mind was, "Wait, if you are Rama, then what does that make me??" In principle I could have replied "And I am Rama's creator." But this was my mentor saying that to me. I was looking up to the dude in so many ways. How can I be the creator of my own mentor? That unreasonably daring thought just didn't fit into my tiny mindset at the time. So the only option left was the obvious one that reflected my insecurity, "If you're Rama then I must be some run of the mill bore." That was upsetting. I didn't want to think that way about myself.

These days I appreciate what happened then. Thank you Rama.