ADHD

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A casual community for people with ADHD

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How to plan something with someone who doesn't have ADHD? (lemmy.world)

submitted 1 year ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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I have ADHD and my partner does not. When we were planning our wedding it was really difficult because she would do most of the planning (because I wasn't doing it and someone had to and she loves planning), but when we needed to plan anything together it was like pulling teeth for me. I wanted to help out but it was always so difficult to get myself to actually do anything.

The same thing happens with vacation planning. Even planning a trip to somewhere I want to go can feel about as fun as doing taxes. We're currently trying to plan a trip overseas that's just in a few months, and my partner really wants to book hotels (I totally agree) but any amount of planning feels like I'm being punished, and I don't know why. I don't have any fun and my mood tanks and I just get quiet and a little irritable.

Anyone else experience this and have any suggestions? I hate leaving all of the planning to my partner, but planning on my schedule has lead to us missing things in the past.

Random thoughts, feel free to ignore: I wonder if it's partly because it's not urgent (as in what we could plan today could just as easily be planned tomorrow) vs importance thing? If we planned on "my schedule" we'd be doing things way too close to the actual date. If we set a date to vacation plan, when it comes I just treat it like a todo list item I just need to finish up so I can get back to whatever I want to do instead.

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[–] JackbyDev 8 points 1 year ago (3 children)

Does your partner want help planning or are you just trying to pitch in? I don't mean to sound dismissive but if your partner wants to plan everything then just let them. Now, of course, if they want help I believe you should. :)

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago (2 children)

Both. Currently she wants help deciding how long to stay in which places, and wants help picking and booking hotels. So she's trying to wait until I'm ready to plan, but I'm basically never ready to plan until it's right before the trip and I need to rush to make up for lost time.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

The good old deadline efficiency.
A familiar way of getting work done.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

Then you need to work on getting yourself into the right frame of mind and initiate the planning when you can cope with it. In plenty of time to actually do what needs to be done. Or, give her free rein to make all the decisions now and take responsibility for planning what you will do when you're there so she actually gets a break out of it.

Whatever happens, if she makes the 'wrong' decisions because you wouldn't give her any input, you don't get to say a word about it (apart from "I'm sorry, that wasn't fair on you. It's cool, we'll make the best of it."