this post was submitted on 04 Oct 2023
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I would argue that making a mistake or not knowing does not count as misgendering.
The mistake is still a misgender. It's just whether it's interpreted as rude or not.
Once they are corrected, it will be MUCH easier to tell if they're intentionally being rude or not.
I misgendered a trans person I worked with once when nobody else was around. I tracked him down later and apologized. He said if he spent all his time being mad about that, he'd always be mad... but I made sure to get it right after that.
I screw this up all. The. Time. I'm very good about not dead naming but really bad at pronouns. It's never been an issue because I'm putting forward the effort, people understand it's not intentionally disrespectful, and it helps I routinely get the names (birth names, that they've had for 30+ years) of decades long friends wrong.
I know that doesn't make it OK and I still try. But people act like if you mess up you're instantly beaten to death by a mob. Respect and welcomeness shows through even if you screw up. I know it's important to people, and that the person probably has a bunch of stories that more than justify being prickly about it, so I try and get it right. But it is amazing how much more just, you know, being a basic, respectful, human being who wants someone to be comfortable and talk about shared interests goes.
And that's always been a little sad to me. I can stumble through something that means a lot to that other person, something that they've probably lost a lot of sleep over, and yet extending just the basics of human courtesy goes so far, because it's not something that garunteed.
Noo. You have to know the gender to commit the act of misgendering in the first place. You have to believe it is x and yet use y.
This. With normal people a simple correction is all is needed.
Transphobes will however misgender you repeatedly