this post was submitted on 28 Sep 2023
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I don’t follow. Why, exactly, is it rude for your daughter to not reply?
The situation as I’ve read it seems to be you send your daughter a text along the lines of “take out the trash” because she forgets to take out the trash and she has asked you to send her a text reminding her to take out the trash. If a coworker or my partner told me to take out the trash, I wouldn’t respond, I would do it. It wouldn’t be rude for me to not respond and just do it; that imperative statement doesn’t require a response and it’s strange to me that someone would think it does. There’s nothing about that message that requires me to respond. Inbox Zero applies to texts too.
In a different situation where the text is changed to “take out the trash and give me a 👍 when you do,” the conversation actually requires interaction. Before, it didn’t.
In yet another situation, I’d ask if a lack of response to message is really the problem. Perhaps you don’t feel appreciated or you’re losing connection and don’t know how to it express it. Maybe that’s a stretch.
For the same reason it would be rude not to reply if I said, "please feed the dogs" in person.
Isn’t doing the thing the proper response? The difference here is, in person, I can say “okay” while I am executing the action. With digital communication I have to stop and do something.
Our difference in communication expectations highlights that others do not share your perspective. You’re going to have the most success if you talk to your daughter about communication expectations. She has one set, you have another. Together you need to agree on mutual expectations. Think about what really matters (is it the reminder? Is it the resolution? Is it the acknowledgement?).
Also it sounds like you’re being your daughter’s calendar or planner. There are apps that might remove you from the equation so you don’t have this friction.
She's only 13. She's not good with a calendar. We're working on it.
The important thing is a conversation about communication expectations. You went to the internet to complain about a difference in communication expectations without having that conversation with her first.
If you don’t like the way she handles texts, you can set up a calendar with notifications that function similarly to texts for her since you’re already doing that. That requires zero input on her part, just the app set up on her phone.
It was a minor irritation. I didn't expect anyone to take it so seriously.
I can respect that!
The toxic attitude that every single piece of digital communication requires a response is a serious pet peeve of mine, which is why I did. Extend your attitude to, say, online dating which is probably a reality for someone your daughter’s age. She doesn’t have to respond to everything that comes her way. That’s terrible. Extend your attitude to, say, workplace communication. This is a serious problem that leads to burnout and analysis paralysis. Communication has drastically changed and continuing to teach people “you have to respond to everything” is a conservative belief that does not fit with current attention demands.
Tbh, you're reminding me a lot of my own mother who would demand similar, polite acknowledgement every time she spoke to me, even if it didn't make sense in the moment. But for her, it was more about control than anything else.
I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but that could be how it's making your daughter feel. Maybe check in with her about that? So there's no growing resentment or anything. Wish you both the best!