The Onion

WASHINGTON—Warning citizens of a rising threat to the nation’s youth, U.S. officials cautioned Tuesday that knife-wielding doctors were roaming the country in search of adolescent children they could force to be trans. “Across America, parents are watching helplessly as trained surgeons compel their sons to become daughters and their daughters to become sons,” said FBI director Christopher Wray, who cited reports that detailed how hordes of doctors were marauding through all 50 states, waylaying as many teenagers as possible, and performing gender-reassignment surgery on them against their will. “We’re told these savage physicians are sharpening their scalpels as we speak, having discarded the Hippocratic oath in favor of a new creed, one that commits them to never resting until they’ve found every single teen in the United States and turned their penis into a vagina or their vagina into a penis. They hold a blade in one hand and a breast implant in the other. Often, a few of them will gang up on a male teen and force-feed him estrogen pills before stripping him naked and forcing him to wear a pretty dress.” According to local sources throughout the nation, once the knife-wielding doctors have successfully swapped every teen’s gender, they probably have plans to go around swapping them all back again.