this post was submitted on 29 Aug 2023
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Autism
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The realisation came slowly over a period of ten years. I now believe both parents are on the spectrum and that surely contributed to normalisation of the behaviours during childhood. The earliest clues came from reading message boards, forums and web pages of the early internet. People described their symptoms and it chimed. I had always puzzled over my parents obsessive tendencies. My mother with numbers and patterns, being highly sensitive in some ways and completely deficient in others. My father's facility with logic and technical problems, his rages and oppositional defiance.
Growing up I thought everyone was like this but places like school terrified me, the noise and clamour was awful. I didn't want anyone to touch me. I was baffled by school and did nothing there, my personal projects were where I did all my learning. Machines made much more sense to me than the people around me.
It was the drug addictions that really pushed me to consider that there was something different about my experience. I was always trying to bend my conception of reality with the evidence around me. I became an expert of my own mental health while I studied the various disorders described in the DSM. That's what finally convinced me but I didn't seek a formal diagnosis, there's no point now. Maybe it's not even autism, that would be a good one.
Yes! I've read that autistic and ADHD people are more likely to self-medicate using drugs. For me, alcohol was amazing. It would dull my senses and slow my brain down enough to be able to focus on the immediate world around me and focus. I'm happy that you took that experience as a learning moment to figure things out. The way I see it, we're not drug abusers. We're trying to cope in a world that is not considerate of our needs and then blames us for the difficulties we have. It can be pretty alienating. In the words of my favorite English musician, "I've always felt so fucking detached, and broken, bruised, and mismatched. Find it hard to relax. Living under the cracks. Trying to fill in the gaps. Lying here on my back. Still, I can't find a sense of peace in my mind, declined it. Pulse increased and my sweat combines with a feeling so deep I fall inside it." The song is Depression by Ren.
If you have doubt, then it might be worth it to clear it up and potentially access relevant services. Otherwise, if you don't already, you can try applying techniques that help autistic people and see if that makes significant improvements in your life.
I'm someone who's questioning if they're on the spectrum. I never thought about the self medication adject. I'm pretty sure I'm doing that with weed. It helps me calm down and just feel happier in general. I also really like to use it in group settings as it makes me feel so much more comfortable and talkative around others.
Tangentially related, but I keep a pair of ear plugs on me at all times in case I enter a loud environment that I either want to be at, or can't leave right away. So like parties, the Fair, concerts, etc. That keeps me from feeling overwhelmed and allows me to actually enjoy or tolerate the event I'm at.
Those sound like traits/behaviors common with autistic people. You might find the self-assessment scales in the helpful resources post that you can find via the sidebar insightful.