Hello, thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope that my SO can read some of your responses and realize that shes not crazy, and Its a major issue with alot of us.
She is 25 and has debilitating social anxiety, She is working on it and making good progress. She has a small group of friends online and talks to them regularly, plays games with them and ever since she started talking to them Ive noticed a huge upswing in her moods and demenor. Lately shes been trying to branch out and meet more people in other online spaces.
She has expressed to me that people seem to just know something is different about her, or they seem to interact with her differently than everyone else. I tried to explain (from my perspective) as a fairly autistic individual (undiagnosed cant afford). That yes people can just sense neurodivergency, and will treat us differently. however I, being raised by extremely extroverted parents am very good at masking.
She, on the other hand doesnt "feel right" hiding herself behind a mask to make people feel comfortable. I tried to explain that, thats just how people are, everyone to a degree is masking. The people who dont, often get a lot of respect for being "real" and or put down by others for being overwhelming or annoying.
Ive tried to offer tools to meet others somewhere in the middle, where i believe most people exist. mirrorism Is a tool that I frequently use to guage the extent of what i can and cant say to someone. I also have a "nonchalant" attitude towards people in general which I think makes people feel comfortable around me. This frustrates her, understandably. Because she cares alot about people and wants to build meaningful friendships. She looks at my tools as being fake, and even points out others within her circles that are unabashedly themselves that get treated better or are more "noticed" even if shes been around longer.
This and other factors are of life are often sending her down these spirals of thinking that are difficult to comfort or reason away, since alot of what shes experiencing is determined by other people who themselves are not always of sound mind. She thinks people dont like her and that shes not "worth" the attention. She is a wonderful presence and cares so much about me, her family and everyone to an extent. I find it frankly unbelieveable that any of what shes telling me is grounded in reality.
Im hoping that a few people sharing thier own experience and tools to work through the spirals. Will both motivate her to keep trying for friends in spite of the cruelty of people, aswell as offer a fresh perspective on being "real" or "fake". In regards to talking to new people.
You mentioned being unable to afford diagnosis, so mental healthcare is likely out of the question. This sort of thing is probably better handled by professionals but I'll offer some perspective regardless.
I'm not neurodivergent, though it's likely that everyone is a little "on the spectrum" because that's kinda how spectrums work. Because our brains may be wired slightly differently I'm not sure my thoughts will be as valid or valuable to your situation.
It’s my opinion that there is no fundamental "self", and rather believe your self image is merely a reflection of all of your prior actions. This generally means that masking is not really a fundamental change in behavior from your "true self" but is rather a step in actually changing what you perceive yourself as.
Fake it til you make it is a terrible saying, but it does apply here.
I act differently with every person I interact with, I adapt to who they are and their values, this adaptation is not what I would consider masking though perhaps you would. Due to this simple system of adaptation most of my peers would consider me well liked and successful.
There are some fundamental rules that I won't adapt into, moral boundaries that I don't cross, but as long as it's benign I have no problem being a sports fan with some crowds, a strong rights activist among liberal audiences, a sweet person to my grandparents. All of these are parts of who I am but the part of me that gets shown to each person isn't necessarily the whole picture.
It is important to be comfortable with your own actions, if it feels fake and disingenuous to act differently around different people then why force it? Life is about enjoying who you are, where you are, and what you're doing. Learn to experience and accept your current situation and stuff like this won't matter.
Thank you, and your thoughts are always valid and valuable even if I or anyone might disagree. The more perspectives the better imo.
She very much agreed with your last point. but has trouble understanding the need to mask in the first place. She does not consider things like "not swearing around children or grandparents" or just being sweeter to them in general to be masking. Could you maybe explain your feelings on "being a sports fan" for example (you may actually like sports). But as someone who doesnt, I have been at events and settings where it was simply the comfortable thing to be. I wasnt lying to anyone but I definitely was asking more questions and cheering for something id normally have near zero enthusiasm for. I have trouble getting my ducks in a row to express something we seem to do so naturally.