I'm a 37 year old IT Cloud Engineer, I have a great job, great house, love my family, but recently I lost my dad to cancer after a 16 year battle. My brother likes to say cancer had to cheat to win, it was all because he broke his back and had to be taken off his treatments for to long. Cancer is a fickle bitch...
Prior to losing my dad, I lost my best friend, who apparently dropped dead in his backyard. I don't know the specifics and frankly I don't want to know. Either way, these events effected me, and I started having massive panic attacks and anxiety issues, constantly afraid for my health even though there's nothing wrong with me. It took a few months of therapy to realize I needed medical help.
I was put on antidepressants and everything changed, I was a human again for the first time in like a decade. I was happy, I was successful, but now, idk if I'm just having a midlife crisis, or if maybe I'm just feeling depressed again, but I just feel lost. I've lost one of the few people in my life I've modeled my success after, my father, I lost the other person I could hang out with and empathize with, I have my wife and I love her to death, but my friend had been that person that was just there to hang out and make you feel better, and now they're gone. I'm still struggling to cope and it's just really hard and I need a place to vent.
Anyone have any ideas on how to cope and move on as well as control the anxiety without the need to be medicated?
TL;DR: Lost my dad and my best friend in the course of two years and it's been rough. Now I feel lost and confused constantly. Cloudy brain and I just don't want to be complacent in life and need some advice. Thanks for reading.
Edit: just wanted to say thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I'm going to take the advice I've been given here to heart and try some new things to try and give me some direction. Thank you all again so much for the help, it really made me feel a lot better.
I'm really sorry you're having such a tough time. It's clear you've been hit with some pretty hard losses. Losing people we're close to can make us reevaluate our own lives, and that's definitely a lot to process. It sounds like you're dealing with a huge wave of feelings and that's totally normal given what you've been through.
One thing that could help you right now is to find some kind of support network. Maybe a group for people dealing with grief? You'd get the chance to chat with folks going through similar stuff and it's always good to know you're not alone. And don't forget about the loved ones still around you. You mentioned how much you love your wife. She's there for you. Spend some quality time together, talk about what you're feeling.
Another thing, don't underestimate taking care of your physical health, mate. Exercise can do wonders for the mood. Anything that gets you moving - a good old-fashioned walk, cycling, yoga. And remember to eat right and get enough sleep.
Have you ever tried mindfulness or meditation? Being in the moment can be really grounding and help keep anxiety in check. There are some great apps out there that can guide you through it, and yoga or deep breathing exercises are solid options too.
Something that's helped me before is writing stuff down, kind of like a journal. You could even write letters to your dad and friend. It might be therapeutic to get those thoughts and memories out of your head and onto paper.
Remember, it's okay to feel lost. It's okay to grieve. And it's okay to ask for help. You're not on a clock to "get over it". Healing takes time, so be kind to yourself. One step at a time, okay? We're here for you.