we've been no contact with my family on and off for a while - we were able to use covid and my daughter's premature birth as a scapegoat (which honestly was a worry anyways), but we've been starting to try and attend family events more now that my parents have grandkids other than my own kids. Having more in-laws and grand kids has seemed to help them mellow out a bit.
To over simplify, my mom and I've never gotten along. I know I have a lot of blame for that from when I was a kid / teenager, and I think my mom has some unresolved challenges of her own from her dad abusing her as a kid. That being said, as a Father of a few kids myself, the idea of my kids eliminating their relationship with me kills me inside, and I gotta think my mom feels similarly - I hope so at least. I've tried reaching out a few times a few different ways, trying to talk about things I know she loves - old Abbott and Costello movies, good food, baseball, etc. I feel like I'm talking to a wall - and at family events we do go to, she wont talk to me. I try to, and she'll respond with a smile, but she wont actually talk to me. Often at family shin digs (family pictures, birthday, holiday dinner) I wont get a word out of her. I can't tell if she's scared of me or if she just doesn't care.
This latest attempt kind of stung - I stuck my neck out and transparently stated I wanted to spend some quality time together. I'm trying not to read into it too much, but it seemed like time with me was a chore - which when I look back at any interactions we have, I can see that could be her perception. I want to get this to work. I'm not sure what to try next, I'd really love to have a good relationship with my mom. I've genuinely apologized for my actions as a kid a number of times, and I've been consistenly trying things like this in person or over messages for a few years now. I'm kind of at a loss.
One thing I’ve learned, and it’s totally not fair, is that in some relationships (frequently familial), you have to accept the relationship how it is. If that works for you, great, if it doesn’t, then move on, and deal with your own feelings about it.
What I mean by that is that you may never be able to have the relationship you want with your mother (I know I can’t). What you have to decide is if you can deal with it the way she wants it. Because it may never be different/better.
I guess one big question I’d have is is she likes that with everyone, or is she able to be social, and “normal” with other people? My mother is the former. She has no friends, no life, not hobbies, no nothing. Every time I talk to her it’s a negative fest about the world being out to get her. She learned it from her horrible, horrible mother (I no longer talk to my grandmother at all) I have mostly removed myself from the situation, only talking to my mother as necessary/out of guilt.
BUT I don’t let her get under my skin anymore. I may piss and moan to my husband or therapist about something she did or said, because I want to vent, but she’s going to do her, and in her 70s now, I’m not changing her. What I had to conditioner her to not do, by putting her in timeouts, is to be abusive to me.
TL;DR decide if you can deal with the relationship as is, because it may never change, then change your actions based on your decision.
Ya, it could be her tendency to not talk to many people. She talks a lot to my siblings and their spouses and kids though - but outside of that she doesn't go out of her way to chat with people.
This is good insight, thanks for sharing
It may be worth laying it all out on the line, and asking her if she even wants a relationship with you (either asking her, or writing a letter). But, I don’t know her, so I don’t know how she will react. My mother, it would start WWIII through WWIX in pretty quick succession, so I just let it be.
The other thing you can try, if you have decent relationships with siblings, or maybe an aunt of uncle that know her well, is ask them how they keep their relationships with her going, or if she has said anything to them to indicate why she is standoffish with you. If that’s even something you care enough to peruse.
All of that said, this may be the best you get from her. It sucks because you clearly want more, but tempering expectations will definitely help your own mental health.
Couldn’t agree more. I spent years trying to form the relationship I desire with my closest family members. Then I looked at their lives and realized that they simply don’t have relationships like that. So I dialed down my expectations, which is sad to me, but it’s helped foster more enjoyment at the times I do see/talk to them.
The most challenging times are when I hear these people speak about how “family is soooo important.” But yet they can’t make time, commit to plans, or even have open, honest communication. Hell, even just responding to texts is a stretch for most.
I know it’s virtue signaling now. It’s stuff they say to coworkers or friends. It does not mean they are actually interested in fostering a close relationship.
Ah yes…. Buut faaaamily. I’ve heard that one many times. I come from a terrible awful abusive family, so the only times it’s ever said is when you refuse to take more abuse from them.
I think the worst one my mother ever uttered was “I was born to be a mother. That’s what I was meant to do in this world”. Oh. Yeah? Your one and only daughter begs to differ. A lot.
My parents are great for the most part, but they had an ease with yelling at me that still gets under my skin. I got yelled at when I broke my ankle as a kid, stopped me from telling my parents when I got hurt later on.
I had to hang up the phone recently because they started yelling. I'm in my 30s, I don't need that in my life anymore.
I circled back and apologized for hanging up but told them I'm not doing the whole yelling thing anymore.
My neighbors yell at their kid. It puts me in a state of panic every time I hear it through the walls.
I’m sorry you have to deal with that. I learned, not that long ago, that I’m an adult and I have the control in the relationship now. I’m not going to be grounded for not answering my phone, or not telling someone something. I don’t HAVE to see anyone, or talk to anyone if I don’t want to. If they treat me poorly, they don’t GET to be in my life. It was pretty liberating and it took too long to understand it.
Been there. I’m sorry they are like that.
Timeouts work well, in my experience. Of course this assumes they want a relationship with you. My mother very much does, not sure why, we are oil and water. Every time she starts being her awful self, timeout. If the timeout ends and she’s still being herself longer timeout.
The best thing I’ve been able to do for myself was to recognize unhealthy behaviors and remove them from my life. That heart racing, jaw clenching, fight or flight feeling isn’t good, and I’m not a kid, so I have the control now.
Yeah I feel like TV and movies and books and social media brag posts all paint this wonderful rosy picture of people spending quality time with their parents. Unfortunately not everyone has parents that are willing or able to do that.
I truly wish mine didn’t want to. It gives me all the power because I’m indifferent, but it’s this weird guilt I shouldn’t have too.
I feel for anyone who doesn’t have the parent they want/need.