this post was submitted on 03 Feb 2025
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Okay so, caveat: mine is only six and they're the stereotypical hyperactive ADHD kid. Your mileage will likely vary.
Kids who are like him are constantly in need of something to be doing, some achievable task just within their grasp. Also, they're quite blind when it comes to the perception of time, so any amount of time spent "bored" (which means not rocketing towards the next moment in which they can shout in triumph) feels like an eternity. He can go from the throes of bliss to collapsing on the floor within ten seconds flat.
He damn near broke my brain with this shitshow, but I've finally figured out the foregoing. Knowing this puts the constant struggle at least into a coherent frame of reference.
All this to say, any and all tangible, immediate rewards are what serves him in place of a functional endogenous dopamine system. He can't just internally think "I need to get dressed for school" and begin to do it, it has to be "I'm not allowed to ____* until I get dressed". A coin isn't a coin, it's a physical embodiment of the dopamine spike used by the brain to initiate a task.
Once they're on a task, they just go until something breaks the spell. Small immediate rewards, or the promise of getting them easily can work magic.
That's all highly subjective, biased, likely flawed etc but it's kept me... If not sane, at least faking it enough that people don't comment. If your kiddo has other struggles I probably haven't said anything of use to you.
*In our case, unhappily, it is phone time, which is also highly regulated.
You might find some success with a token system. A kid earns a “token,” and when they obtain a certain amount, they can earn a bigger reward. For example, you could draw a smiley face on a dry erase board every time the kid completes a required task. Once the kid gets 10 smiley faces, they can choose a reward for it. Preferred activities (such as playing a game, taking a trip to the park, or watching an episode of their favorite show) or being able to have a favorite snack, work for a lot of kids. The best call is to make a list of simple rewards that you know your kid enjoys and offer them choices from that list once they gain enough “tokens.”
It not only serves to satisfy the need for a dopamine spike when a task is done, but it also teaches delayed gratification and decision making for the child. They learn how to work toward a greater goal through taking small actions. Giving them a choice in what they earn gives them space for some autonomy, while curating what choices are available gives you, as a parent, the ability to work within what you’re able to provide in that moment.
It sounds like you’re part-way to such a system already, which is why it came to mind. Token systems are already commonly used in schools and in children’s therapy practices, so there are resources available if you’re interested in giving it a go.
Fully aware - we've tried it before, but it didn't stick. Probably implementation issues or limitations here. They do this in his school with great success, and I think part of it is that he's so extroverted that when there are other kids also competing, he finds the process more engaging. At home it's just him so it falls flat. Maybe if me and mom were also on the chart earning smiley faces it would hit harder. Sounds kinda fun too.
That sounds like a fun twist on it! I like the idea of including the parents, it shows that we're all responsible for our own actions, as well as capable of mistakes and improvement regardless of our ages.
I totally get what you mean about him being more motivated when other kids are around. I've worked with kids in a number of different positions over the years. Sometimes it's easier to handle a group of 20 than a single individual, specifically because peers influence each other.
I can't offer much more besides my support from afar, but from what I've read in this thread, you're doing a great job. Either way, raising a kid isn't easy, but it sounds like you've informed yourself and are doing the best that you can. Thank you.
Ahhh ok. Yes. The reward IS something I'm dependent on (my kid was just diagnosed with ASD and ADHD [turns out one can have both]) and it works well. I just didn't know if there was a special thing that worked with a coin.
Not really. It's not so useful unless you can dangle it over the right thing. But at the park? Say you send them on a scavenger hunt. You want two pretty leaves, five bits of litter, and one cool rock or stick for £1.
They clean the park, you get to sit on the bench for a few minutes and relax. Now, isn't that worth a pound?