My theory is that they are living in a world of hierarchies and apologizing is admitting a mistake, which takes them down a few levels on the hierarchy of power/popularity.
this post was submitted on 15 Jun 2023
76 points (88.0% liked)
Autism
6846 readers
27 users here now
A community for respectful discussion and memes related to autism acceptance. All neurotypes are welcome.
We have created our own instance! Visit Autism Place the following community for more info.
Community:
Values
- Acceptance
- Openness
- Understanding
- Equality
- Reciprocity
- Mutuality
- Love
Rules
- No abusive, derogatory, or offensive post/comments e.g: racism, sexism, religious hatred, homophobia, gatekeeping, trolling.
- Posts must be related to autism, off-topic discussions happen in the matrix chat.
- Your posts must include a text body. It doesn't have to be long, it just needs to be descriptive.
- Do not request donations.
- Be respectful in discussions.
- Do not post misinformation.
- Mark NSFW content accordingly.
- Do not promote Autism Speaks.
- General Lemmy World rules.
Encouraged
- Open acceptance of all autism levels as a respectable neurotype.
- Funny memes.
- Respectful venting.
- Describe posts of pictures/memes using text in the body for our visually impaired users.
- Welcoming and accepting attitudes.
- Questions regarding autism.
- Questions on confusing situations.
- Seeking and sharing support.
- Engagement in our community's values.
- Expressing a difference of opinion without directly insulting another user.
- Please report questionable posts and let the mods deal with it. Chat Room
- We have a chat room! Want to engage in dialogue? Come join us at the community's Matrix Chat.
.
Helpful Resources
- Are you seeking education, support groups, and more? Take a look at our list of helpful resources.
founded 1 year ago
MODERATORS
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
view the rest of the comments
https://lemmy.world/comment/221609
Maybe i don't quite understand. I just hope that i didn't hurt your feelings with what i said, just because i was unaware of your strong feelings on this topic. If so, then we'd have a complicated situation which also involves slight differences in language and culture. I could not sincerely apologise, and such things might happen again.
Apologising would be wrong, but there are ways to sympathise with the other and at the same time staying at eye level.
Here is where i come from:
I have been on both sides. Being constantly hurt by people not being sensitive enough, and seeing that as their responsibility, hence making them responsible for my feelings. OTOH, falsely apologising too much, saying "sorry" when there was no need to, and therefore being self-degrading.
During my process i came to the conclusion that both is not right. There is no "crime of offending", so to say -- not even if an offence was intended (but that's the advanced "peaceful warrior" class). It is in fact my own "ego" that was (falsely) alarming me of being attacked. (The word "ego" is antiquated but shall suffice here.)
The others do as they do, so it is up to me to actually decide if i want to feel hurt or not. Therefore, it is indeed in the receivers responsibility (ability to respond!). Talking about adults of course; it's different with minors. --
I found out that i am free to choose if i want to feel offended or not. So i chose not to but instead try to get a better understanding of the sender. It became very hard to hurt my feelings because i can "shield" my receiver, to find it rather interesting to get to look into other people's sets. (Conflict situations play a valuable part when i do process/shadow work with others.) -- I also feel the need to apologise very rarely; mostly when i was really being ignorant, and i often remind others that there is nothing to apologise about when there was just some misunderstanding or such.
I read that comment chain again which you are referring to, and had to read it twice because there seemed to be a contradiction. So if you don't mind, i can tell what discrepancy there is. May this help solve the puzzle. Here is what i see happen:
I solved this for myself by replacing the middle part. If there was no offence intended, then i can choose not to be hurt, but react in a different way. The best way to go is open communication if possible: "I know you didn't mean it and i'm not blaming you, but i must let you know that you just met a very sensitive point in me. I would like to tell you ..."
But! ... There is another desire here at play, and that appears to be the receiver's need that their feelings be addressed in a comforting way. An apology will not really have that effect anyway; that rather works toward building awareness in the sender. I think what the receiver desires is being helped back on their feet rather than the sender being knocked to the ground for revenge. Therefore, this is asking not for a feel of guilt -- but for compassion. 🙂
Not at all! Personally, I welcome other perspectives because they help me grow. I would hate to be in an environment where everyone agrees with me because then I would never learn anything new. You provided a very thorough analysis, and I appreciate it.
Yes! I think this is the point. Someone is hurt, and they are seeking consolation, whether that be an apology or some sort of compassionate support. However, I agree that a false apology would not only be inappropriate, but can also be hurtful since the person falsely apologizing might build resentment for doing something they do not want to appease another person’s feelings.
Additionally, taking your analysis and applying it to long-term situations, I think it’s important to be aware of relationships in which one has to often make a purposeful decision to choose whether or not to be offended. If this is happening frequently, then one should really assess why it is happening so much. As autistic people, we can become victims of emotional abuse because we either miss cues or gaslight ourselves as a result of the way were were raised (you’re too sensitive, you don’t understand people, etc.).
Yes! I can't tell how difficult such a personal development would be for anyone else. I appear not to have that difficulty with reading cues so much, plus i took a very special path in life (part-time modern-day hermit), and being on my own, such things took years. And now i'm still switching forth and back between those states. 😅