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Christian esotericism has been a really relaxing segue into a healthy spirituality for me. There's no people demanding I pray the "correct" way or give them money they won't tell me what they're doing with or telling me that saying a dead guy's name will keep me from going to an eternity no one can prove exists. Just me and the dead guy's words that tell me to party hard and chase rich people with whips. And tarot cards; I've honestly gotten more out of them than therapy lately because I'm a lot more honest with myself but I still get something similar to a third party opinion on things by sort of bouncing the thoughts outward then back in.
As a pagan I can relate. I get a lot of good out of my religion and a lot of that comes from it being my religion. I’d love some communal Beltane and Samhain bonfires with friends, but my Mabon and Oestara walks to meditate on balance and the flow of the natural world and my internal world are valuable to me partly because they’re just for me. Celebrating the solar holidays has done wonders for me.
It’s interesting how my Catholic background split into a few different elements of my life, with my love of ritual in paganism and my comfort with polytheism to my politics being very close to the Catholic workers.
I'm never sure if my difficulty integrating with those communities is because they are by nature diffuse or because after having to go to FCA camps as a kid and sing hymns off projector screens that were just re-written country songs about Jesus instead of ford pickup trucks I not only can't take any religion seriously but specifically and actively refuse to. My higher power commands that I shitpost. I actually got into an argument online with someone insisting that I was doing it wrong (also they were accusing me of being transphobic which is another community I don't get on with because the surgery is and forever will be the only part of my gender I have ever taken seriously).