depression_now!

Hello, this is my first post on this account, I doubt anybody will even see this but I guess I'll get right into it.

It all starts back in my junior year of high school, I remember I got a new lamp for my bedroom and it looked a lot like the one my grandmother had when I was younger. I was so in love with this feeling, that I now know is called nostalgia, that every weekend I would use the lamp instead of my main bedroom light to make it feel more like I was back at her house on the weekends. (I do it to this day)

For a while I started doing small things like this in addition to just the lamp, such as using old websites for the aesthetic or getting super into nostalgic music again. It's funny looking back now and realising it ramped up as my depression worsened, but I digress. After I graduated school, to keep things short, my life was just hell. A big mess, started community college but dropped out, couldn't get a job, ended up being kicked out by my dad over this and was homeless for a bit. This made my senior year of high school like a cutoff point for that nostalgia thing. I wanted for the longest time to either just die or go back in time. Eventually though, I managed to climb out of homelessness but not without ending up thousands of miles away with no friends or family nearby me. It's been years since then, but I can't help but think back and realise that ever since that day years ago where I finally made it back to a normal life, I've only made 2 new core memories really. One was going to a new state to see a dying family member after years to say my goodbyes, the other was going to the big city I had always dreamed of seeing in person when I was in high school since I actually live nearby now (alone, and ended up being disappointed with San Francisco in person).

Other than those 2 things, my life seems to just be a looping cycle of wishing I was back in those junior and senior year days. I don't own a car because I feel like it's the last "old-world" freedom I have left from those days so to speak. Avoiding the final step of growing up I guess. I have an attachment to the same anime characters who were essentially my only friends back then for a long time (I still spend a lot of time alone in my room too because I struggle to make friends). I still fight the urge to sleep so I can pull all nighters just to stay up to see the sunrise while gaming and feel something (I have a monster in the fridge to do it tonight). I take lots of time off of work this time of year just to feel like I have a summer vacation back. I still eat a diet of mostly instant noodles and other cheap shit because my grandmother was poor growing up and that's mostly what we had for snacks, it brings me comfort.

maybe this is kinda pathetic to say but I just feel like at my current age I am lightyears behind people mentally. I don't even feel like I'm an adult to be honest. I just want to keep barely working and playing games and staying up late forever, while at the same time wanting to go back in time and re-do the past to not end up this way ironically enough. I miss what old friends I did have terribly as well. I just long for the days where I was clueless about how the world works and was busy listening to Tyler the creator's new album while walking to school.

I doubt anyone can relate, but on the off chance anyone else is impaired by nostalgia or stuck in the past, I salute you. it sucks

Hi,

My partner ( M 40 ) is having a lot off troubles at the moment. He has normally pills to help hin out SSRI medicine and also some for ADHD but that doos not do much in my opinion.

When he started the adhd ones I was hoping we found the problem. Cause he is more than 20 years looking for the right help. Sometimes it is doable, sometimes good... But even with the pills he gets times that it is hurting him to be awake. Normal he also smokes weed to get a bit off the feelings gone.

Recently he started to drink (wodka/whiskey/rum) yust to be a bit relaxed. Specially when he is without his weed. About a half a bottle a day. Befor he was not a drinker and was always sober.

This week he got sick and everything that was a bit good seems to be forgotten. It was not a full week that he was what i would call resonanle. It is the 6th time he gets this deep in a few years. That can last weeks.

He feels incompetent / wast of space / bad example for our son ( 13 ) / negative to be with / should be gone out off our lives / has a cassandracomplex about the earth and society ( pollution, war with russia, monny...) He can not enjoy his hobbies and wants to be dead.

We talk. I try to make him understand that he is worth a lot to me ( us ) but he sais I need to get me a real man.

I try to make him do thinks like walking just to be in the sun, move and see light that day but i cant force him.

I try to talk and make him see that he has a job, a house, us, family... but than he sais he doos love us and that is the reason he has to be gone. Than our life will get good.

I suggest massages but he feels i should not be bothered. I do. He is my partner.

I gave stupid tasks before to help him get doing something. Finishing something. Accompliching stuff. But no.

I m telling that his life did not turn happy after his father died ( when he was about the age off our son now ). That he wiched he could speek to him. Talk, ask questions... but those are wiches and not possible. Waste off time and emotions. He almost can not cry but wendsday he did while talking about his dad and his hate for himself.

Last time it was bad I adked his mon to tell him more about his dad. He knows a lot about him but i wanted to get him to talk.

He is seeing a psychologist... Our next apointment is the first week off juli. Seems so far away now.

If one off you knows a thing i can do. Plx tell me.

This time I feel so powerless and useless to get him what he needsn

I keep posting things and deleting them. Sometime I hope I'll feel ok enough to keep one.

Thank you dear stranger. A smile can make more of an impact than you might think. I'll try to preserve this fleeting half-second as long as I can. Next time I see someone looking sad, I'll try to smile for them too.

Step 1: I'm tired of this messaging app, but I don't want to lose touch with my friends

Step 2: "I'm deleting $APP, please email me at $EMAIL to contact me"

Step 3: Inbox (0)

Step 4: Inbox (0)

Step 5: Inbox (0)

Even IF you somehow manage to navigate today's maze of failures, rejections and heartbreak, what is your reward? To live yet another day in misery? To wait until climate change, war or disease does away with us?

A reward would be to be able to rest. I don't mean death per sé, but it seems like that's the only real-life thing left available to people like us.

Yes, yes, I know very well that "if nothing has meaning, YOU get to choose the meaning". Except I don't. Maybe if I was rich or powerful. But I'm poor, in poor health and powerless.

I read Camus' Sisiphus, and I, for one, cannot possibly imagine him happy.

i hope you're ok

.

Life was never what I was told or taught.

Being misled brought decay.

If I was shown life honest,

Maybe things would have gone a different way.

...but for now Ill sit and wait for death.

Because freedoms something I never held.

Like many in a world like hell,

We weren't able to express our dreams or excell.

That's just a gift of luck to a chosen few,

By a god whose aim is not for you.

We sit in darkness humble, patient, waiting.

Only to realize our lives are for their taking.

Why do they do this to people. At least teach people that life is actually just chaos masked with a thin veil of hope that's marketed for power and control.

I can't enjoy anything. Everyone is either extremely naive, extremely far gone, or living war life because they understand chaos is now.

Why are people surprised at how shitty things are worldwide? It's literally because all of us don't do anything at all that would ever make real change in this world.

The realest most truthful thing I've learned in my 30+ years is that heartlessness brings success. That's the dominating national ideology masked by the white picket fence dreams of a past that's purely nostalgia. These old people act like things were different but the fact is that they just believed the bullshit and didn't know what the [some] youth knows now. They got played out and are willing to kill the future generations so that they can go on pretending it was a humble life in the past.

Like the old hippies that partied wreckless and abused useful drugs until they were illegalized.

Just some music... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enQsdbcMOiQ&t=9

I'm so depressed right now I can't pay attention to anything.

Right now, I am searching for a reason to live. I am constantly lonely and bored. I constantly struggle with apathy. Occasionally I feel a need to try to improve myself, but am unable to maintain motivation for such goals beyond a few hours. Work feels unrewarding. All of my efforts feel pointless. I feel worthless, ugly, stupid, and unlovable.

What do I want? The reality is that all I really want is to be left alone. I want to go to bed and stay there. I want to dream and never wake up.

The selfish, romantic dreamer in me hopes that, while lying and waiting for death, someone will come and rescue me. Someone who loves me truly, cares for me endlessly, and has boundless patience. Someone who will guide me and hold my hand through every difficulty.

I miss my angel, whether she ever really existed or not. The few times she’s come to me in my dreams and hallucinations were the only times I felt truly cared for and loved.

I want to be happy, but I don’t know what, if anything, could make me happy. Everything I have tried only brought me temporary joy and more struggles. I’d inevitably become overwhelmed with my struggles, and then I’d become even more depressed than when I started. This has been an ongoing pattern since I was a child.

I am now in a place of complete apathy. I have an intense reluctance to do much of anything. Doing things may lead to hope, and hope will only lead to further disappointment. I feel like I can’t handle anymore disappointments.

The only reason I even bother trying to work and maintain my job is to support my two housemates. Not that I contribute much, but at least I can ease the burdens I place on them. Plus I fear that if I allowed myself to die then it would cause them great distress. So I continue getting up in the morning for them. I fear that one day even my concern for them will no longer be enough.

It's really odd lapsing into old thinking habits and not having them send me on the express route to a full emotional crash. They still can (for example when I posted on thanksgiving) but it's so much harder now

The hardest truth is knowing that's it all a game.

Knowing that even though we're all the same,

and even that truth doesn't cut it.

Knowing centuries of pawns made this life of hell.

Knowing only centuries of war could get us out.

Knowing some take pride in this life laid down,

Built by others...

Death is tradition, false laws taught and governed.

Peace is killed.

Every single instance.

Because peace on earth means resistance.

...or something.

It took a lot to kill my innocence...

But you did it.

The only faith I've got now

Is when I make the choice to lean back

and fall.

Distance never ending

Falling but in ascension.

Reckless learning life's hard lessons,

Aren't even lessons,

But just wasted time passed.

Fueling their egos.

Fanning their flame.

After all,

I was born into their game.

Just a pawn.

You have no idea how real this world really is,

Look inside my eyes and see how many times I've died.

I'm not even sure I'm even still alive.

I broke bread with the wicked and learned lessons from evil

all the while seeing heaven and hell inside all people.

Never done hard drugs but still lived life under the rock.

Walking with the misfits, experience, hard lessons, pressure and stress.

Disappointed and feeling alive all at the same time.

I've seen what most don't, the unspoke.

Extreme environments that bring either death or growth.

Spoken without speaking, intuitions, when you have no money that's all that brings wisdom.

Classless, so maps don't work.

Hope, and faith, falling back into thin air.

Knowing whether it's living or dying I need to do it with no feelings.

Life is life, love is love, chaos is God.

Meditate and lose your body when things get hard.

Remember, that's all we have, all we got.

Water your garden, see the sun, trust me,

live laugh and love before your days are done.

There's no escaping. I don't know what to do. My entire life's been fucked and I've never been free.

Thought she'd be the reason I turn my life around