chat

I think that in a rational society everyone should feel free to choose their name, and doing so should be a normal and expected rite of passage.

It makes way more sense to choose the sound people make when they refer to you, than having your parents choose it for you before you're even a person yet.

Whether it is a male friend, my own family or my in-laws.

The single men are bad because their homes are disgusting and they have absolutely zero consideration for their guests. They never clean the floor, they don't clean any surfaces, there are loose shavings of hair clogging up the sink, the toilet is discoloured. Men would happily leave you on a sofa without a blanket or a pillow if you were staying the night, and if they even have any food in the house, they aren't likely to share it with you (this goes 10x over if the meal is breakfast).

Staying with my own family or my in-laws is bad because they are all WEIRD. No matter who I stay with, at least some of the following will apply:

• No washing up liquid for washing dishes
• Washing up liquid, but no sponge, or sponge is so old and disgusting it would do more harm than good to use it
• No toilet paper EVER
• Shit scratchy toilet paper that tears my asshole apart
• Bidet if there is one has water pressure of an incontinent elderly man pissing
• Weird last dregs of handsoap soaking in soap tray full of old soap water
• SHIT STAINS IN THE TOILET BOWL
• bogeys, blood, and spat out toothpaste in the sink
• if you are going to get a flat fucking sink where the water doesn't drain properly at least clean up after yourself when you blast your nose into the sink
• No soap at all
• No liquid pump soap
• No toothpaste, or toothpaste is weird, fluoride free or really watery
• TOOTHPASTE HAS CAP OFF
• No sugar, or even sweetener
• Not my brand of teabags
• Not my brand of instant coffee
• Instant coffee that tastes like piss because it has been kept in a loose coffee pot with a spoon propping it open so now it has oxidised
• Shit biscuits
• What the fucking fuck are DARK CHOCOLATE milk digestives?
• No milk, or it is semi-skimmed or there is only soy milk or almond milk
• Seriously why even use semi-skimmed, just use water at this point you freaks
• stop buying lactofree you're not lactose intolerant you're shitting because you drink coffee in the morning
• There is NEVER ANY BUTTER
• A million different brands of margerine
• BUT ALWAYS UNSALTED
• Shit bread, if there is any, usually thin slices of wholemeal
• At this point I am convinced that I alone in this god forsaken country am responsible for propping up the dairy industry
• No olive oil, or if there is it's because I bought it when I lived there and now it is rancid anyway BECAUSE YOU LEFT IT OUT IN THE SUN FOR MONTHS
• Sauces that should be in the cupboard are in the fridge
• Sauces that should be in the fridge are in the cupboard
• OPEN JARS OF MAYO IN THE CUPBOARD
• No lids on ANYTHING
• Everything in the cupboards is years out of date
• A million different knives, but none of them are sharp and there is no knife sharpener
• Glass cutting board
• Weird kettle which has only been descaled once (while I was living there)
• Mouldy washing machine
• Mouldy shower curtain
• Used bar of soap for showering
• No towels
• No hand towels so I can never dry my hands
• No microwave
• I went to the bathroom and there were bogies in the sink AGAIN
• not even in the sink this time, but on the surface beside the tap

A lot of this shit applies to every workplace I have ever had the displeasure of visiting as well. Apparently nobody in this country uses whole milk, nobody uses sugar or sweetener, and everyone's favourite flavour of coffee is piss. My in-laws will actually help themselves to several teaspoons of piss coffee for the kick, meanwhile I, the good coffee appreciater, physically start to gag when I drink it. One time I had an exam while I was staying with them at 7.30am in the morning and this was all there was. My own good coffee had been opened, mixed into the shit coffee, and left with the lid off. For some reason my coffee tin was then filled with soup or something and put in the fridge, where it remains ONE YEAR LATER.

I will continue to update this list as more and more things continue to piss me off.

I’ve been on chemo for a few weeks now. I had an appointment yesterday; normally, I have about 24 hours after an appointment before I feel sick—not so this time.

To avoid crowds, I’ve been doing my laundry very early in the morning, usually about three or four o’clock. Aside from the attendant I was the only person in the laundromat. After the machine started, I went outside for a little walk and some fresh air.

So, there I was walking in the Far South Side of Chicago in the predawn hours of the morning with a big empty sac strapped to my back, as one does. I was doing nothing suspicious except for everything I was doing. I saw blue lights flash from behind and I went into the “my hands are visible and away from my pockets” position before turning around.

The younger of the two officers frisked me and decided to ask questions about my port. I’m not sure what kind of weapon would be under several layers of clothing and attached to my chest, but I assume the young officer’s fear was a good faith reaction. Less than a minute into his questioning—I’m not sure if it was nerves or I subconsciously willed myself to do it— without warning, I vomited all over the young cop. A bitter, bilious mixture of lentils, rice, and digestive juices spewed forth, arching in the air like a decorative fountain as I tried to point my head down and away. He was utterly covered: it was in his mouth, on his pants, dripping down his bulletproof vest—it was everywhere.

The older cop, who had been standing further back, piped up, “Aww, my wife had breast cancer. How ‘bout we drop you off, then I’ll take this one [pointing to the younger cop] to get hosed down.” He was being genuinely helpful; I mean that without any sarcasm— which was a contrast to his partner who seemed like a bit of a power tripping prick. Anyway, that’s how I puked on a cop without any consequences.

When I first got laid off I thought it would be chill to be on unemployment for a month or two, but now that I've applied for hundreds of jobs with just two interviews I'm starting to think I'll run out of money before I find a new gig

The job market is such dog shit right now. I don't even hear back from jobs I'm overqualified for, and almost every job I've applied to pays less than what I what I was making years ago. Love too see the savings I've carefully socked away for years go down the drain in a few months

I took a trip to Colorado this summer and it was the first time in my life I ever really left the south. It just blew my fucking mind. I love where I'm from, but there's just so much fucked up shit that I just thought was how it was. I'm a white cishet, so I'm not vulnerable to the worst of the south, but it absolutely blew my mind seeing somewhere that you didn't just have a background level of distressing shit in view at all times. The most striking thing was how there weren't any ruins around. You get used to seeing overgrown, dilapidated buildings dotting the side of the road pretty much everywhere you go. It was wild to me how rare that was, comparatively, once you get to the other side of Texas. There's a million other things, but honestly I didn't spend enough time there to really know if all of them are the norm or if I'm just making shit up. As shitty as I feel saying it, it would also be nice to try dating somewhere there weren't quite so many ""country"" girls.

My only regret would be leaving behind all my friends and family. That's just such an insane leap to me, and I have no faith that I'd be able to find new friends elsewhere now that I'm out of college. I know I'm experiencing a massively cliche impulse and all that, and that there's lots of problems that will follow you wherever you move, but how do I know if I'm insane or not? Does anybody have advice for trying to find a job somewhere you don't live? I'm sick of all these damn pine trees.

Won't say where. But I saw one of you fuckers in public today. Trenchcoat with hammer and sickle patches, free Palestine shirt, long hair and shit kickers.

I was preoccupied, but hi comrade!

Wondering what other hexbears are gifting their loved ones.

• For mother, a set of gardening tools and hat.
• For father, a leatherman multitool.
• For sister, an appointment with her favorite hairdresser.
• For sister, a tee shirt and tote bag from The Cure tour.

I will get nothing and deserve it.

What about you?

kig a single avatar the last airbender video essay explaining how the Fire Kingdom is America

RNAi's bestest neurons : "eh, it's a job, that I can do, and it's similar to what I've been doing since I got my diploma, and eh, it's a job"

Today we have watched:

The VVitch

The Lighthouse

The Menu

Bobs Burgers

It Follows

About to watch The Northman and then Antichrist

Today has been a lovely day

Have you ever noticed how phallic Adam's face is, and how yonic Barbara's face is?

Have you ever wondered if they ever tried to, well... experiment?

Over 16 years ago I fell in lust with my wife. She was an older woman and family friend going through some hard times in a relationship and I was a young man in my early 20s feeling lonely and getting over the hardest breakup ever. I heard about her troubles and reached out. Misery loves company.

We chatted for a while before she finally cut things off with her ex and I steered the conversation towards romance and sexual talk. Soon we were sexting. Sending nudes. We lived over 1000 miles apart. We would have phone sex regularly. Then, we planned a trip to New Orleans together. It was going to be our getaway. The day we were supposed to fly out everything was cancelled because Katrina made landfall.

Months later I made plans to travel to her and stay a week. My childhood friends that I still keep in touch with and father lived nearby but I was going to see her primarily. I stayed at her place that week. Our time together was AMAZING. Everything was dream. We cried when I had to fly out and I knew we were a thing and there was no returning to normal so I got right to making permanent plans. She was completely on board. We weren't in lust anymore. I loved this woman.

I told my family that I wanted to move back to her area to be closer to my friends and my father. I told them I was going to be her roommate because I had reached out to her and she had an extra bedroom at her place and could use the extra income (all true). Everybody bought it and we kept the charade up for a few years. We weren't roommates and it was almost everything I hoped it could be. The secrecy made it so much more exciting.

There was one problem. She is an alcoholic. Even in the beginning I knew but I never really grasped how bad it was. Her blackout drunk does not seem to be blackout drunk. She slurs words and stumbles around but is otherwise often pretty lucid. You know she's drunk but not in an "I won't remember any of this and will act like a fool" kind of drunk but she was totally that drunk. Often. When she wasn't she would be functional alcoholic drunk. I think in 17 years you could count the days she was stone cold sober on your fingers and toes.

Eventually we told my family of our relationship. It was a little awkward but it went well. They accept our relationship completely. After some years and many struggles (the 2008 crash left us homeless for a while) we were able to build up a life for ourselves. We are barren, so no kids, but after a few health scares for us both we got married. 10 years seems like yesterday and for all our struggles it really has flown by. I love my wife and it has been so worth it.

A few months ago, of her own volition, she got sober. I had tried to help over the years with that but it never worked. It's very hard to watch someone you love so much slowly kill themselves. It had caused a lot of dysfunctions in our marriage and we've gone through rough patches. I'm happy she is sober but the sober her is not who she was for the past 17 years. She is a different person now.

And I'm falling in love with that person. We talk almost every night. We lie in bed as naked lovers and hold each other and build each other up. My sober wife's bedroom preferences are not anything what her alcoholic bedroom preferences were. She is warmer to me in general. She is kind. This is not who I married. I think part of me misses that person but a much greater part of me loves this new person more. It's been 17 years and I'm courting her like we are dating anew. We are rediscovering ourselves and our sexuality together and I couldn't be happier.

I love my wife so much. She is named after a Greek goddess and my heart worships at her temple every day.

Sorry but no TLDR, comrades. If you want to know you have to read.

I should likely preface this to say this isn't an explicit defense of that chain of stores and that I am as Polish-American as a pierogi. So..., super .

On a recent trip there for some reasonably priced clothes ~1~ the overall vibe kinda set in. You pick up a coffee~2~, grab a cart, and just wander through the aisles looking at the basic colors and neat little things. What this is effectively creating is a "sanitized" version of a Farmer's Market or Flea Market.

The years of wastes composed of manicured lawns and bloodthirsty stroads, paired with decades of neoliberalism and nuclear family focus has left people wanting. People are spread out, alienated, and rarely if ever get the feeling of a third space or place to wander without spending money. While money is certainly being spent on Target, in a weird way I can see how it tickles a small part of the brain when you're out replacing a jacked-up appliance or grabbing some school supplies for your kid.

Maybe you could argue this goes as far back as the enclosure movement or that the only time it felt pronounced was within the past 50 years or so, but it's a weird flocking spot for those clearly experiencing an emptiness or lack~3~. This is a case to maybe feel less anger and more pity~4~.

1. Finally affording better than the Ace Hardware jeans, baby!
2. Though I won't cause I'm not a Zionist and I'm picky enough that I own a 1 pound roasting drum.
3. I think I'm using this right.
4. Though I also know people who have worked Target and some of those suburbanites can only get off if they made some teenage worker cry.

7/12/2023

To nobody, thin air, and the universe

The motor cortex in the brain activates

yet my mouth stays silent

"Something, get something out

Contribute so that you don't feel like a creep" My heart, screams those words

yet the action feels nothing short of a dream

What do you want me to do? How can I be here, in this world

in this room

where I cannot feel like I belong

My heart believes in me, still it does

I'm alive, that's proof of it

Maybe there's just something not right in me

Why won't the words come out

Maybe I unconsciously know it won't lead to anything

A friend, but one that stays in my mind

I'm trying so hard, I still continue to

feels like I'm eating nothing but failures

You know, when I walk, I see the people as dots

small, black dots

not because I see them as obstacles

but I see myself as one

If someone could tell me they see me

Me trying would mean something I feel like I'm going insane

Because when it rains

I see nothing but tears

"Don't do it now, there are people here"

Not like it matters, I'm not there in the room, even if they see me

"Okay, you're alone now, let it out my friend" All of it saying is my heart

Does it really matter anymore if I give away to my isolation or if I give it my all to socialize

what is the difference? is there any that meets the mere eye?

The very essence of a human being is one to connect

Social animals, as they say

I am one too

but deprived of all the social means that make me a human

Am I even a human anymore?

Why do I exist

I scream and I scream but nobody cares

because nobody is there

I've told this countless times

that I feel like an invisible soul

Like the shore besides the sea

its waves, beautiful crescendo of waves

but alas its midnight

Midnight is every second for me

Maybe I should be trying harder

I just don't know what to do

for now I lay in the bed, alone in my room

as my heart soothes me with tunes

and tells me that it is too soon

"When the time comes, so shall your fortune" Empty words don't have empty meanings

the meaning is simply that the heart has given up too

15/12/2023

It matters how if I read today or tomorrow Won't change the world, nor my sorrow Give me happiness, and my love you can borrow

A world of snakes is all it is A few who're not also don't exist Come in my life and I'll believe your will

Happy friends is all it takes For me to stay awake for just this time, to let me say that I won't die, and to mean it this time Because I can be saved by you if I tried anyway But you, my love exist so far and you, my friend don't exist at all So what's the point besides the fall I won't be saved by the time you call

Knife, roof, or pills you choose and I'll oblige until Until you face my eyes and slap my face for even trying to think of this as a waste

but you aren't here, and you aren't there you are a screen who I just fear won't come true and I'll just sear over the skies waiting

not you I blame but if at least if I had others like yourself to keep me sane someone who would come by the lane when it rains, no raincoat but only us to blame getting wet as we laugh away the pains it is all in my head and like everything that is this is also to go in vain

so again, I repeat, pills, roof, or knife so that I can not submit to this life "none" you would say and I'll continue this strife

When will it forever end, I've chanted since the beginning I fear it has already made its way to the past I keep repeating and inventing new endings when I'm only creating the preludes to something more and more destructive in me

Why can't I just be free? From this entity called time.

Only time will tell Until then, be my friend? Alas I'm only talking to walls Just for the millionth time I hope there is someone behind them

~lav

dude im probably gonna die in like 2 years anyway what the fuck is the point of me being miserable and unable to do the one thing i was put on fucking earth to do

i bought myself a vintage mesa boogie transatlantic 2x12 combo, an mxr 10 band eq (vintage mesa boogies have super distinct crunch but the eq control is basically nonexistent), a basic boss cs-3 compressor and just found a good deal on a like-new line 6 DL4 delay modeler (those things are so fucking cool and ive wanted one forever); im adding all this to my pedalboard w/ waza blues driver, MIJ boss chorus pedal, wammy pitch shifter and behringer digital delay pedal (i make grunge/shoegaze music); would love to post a pic of my setup when its all done

im still playing drums on a sound percussion (starter drum kit) with like one upgraded cymbal lol, so literally the whole kit sounds like shit, but the one cymbal sounds amazing, now i basically have to upgrade the kit

found a guy selling a drum mic kit for $300 that comes with x3 sm57s and a shure b57 or whatever (dynamic kick mic) and i already have two overheads for the stereo cymbal sound i'm hoping to get

yeah i wont be able to go to the hospital for a while but who fucking cares dude im not gonna live forever. this shit makes me so happy. i want to start a nonprofit record label one day and all of this shit is an investment

follow your dreams

sorry for rambling like a lunatic lol

It sucks that most people can't afford an ticket travel to see their friends or family. I shouldn't have to drop $400 to hangout for the holidays. I should be able to get a train ticket go from state to state with ease.

Some of you might be surprised to know, but living in America kinda makes you feel bad. It just socks. It's sad. It's hard. It's hard and there's nobody for you. You have to try so hard to find a helping hand to get a second of somebody's time and when you're fuckinf nereodiveregent and you haven't come to terms with it It's even harder when you can't even get yourself the help you need because the fucking labyrinthine welfare and Healthcare and clusterfuck of everything designed to make you give up. Fuck .

Wherever he is, I hope he’s doing good. I don’t remember if he was an open communist when he was in the Virginia legislature but probably the least lib politician in America in a generation. Seemed like a pretty genuine dude, too. Feels like he dropped out of politics and has been pretty quiet since.

I feel like I've consumed more information from abroad than at home the past four years - and that was deliberate. The focus on rightoids here seriously exhausts me. I hope everyone here takes it easy after hate watching that crap.