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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-02-08 06:01:36.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAeverythingn
Originally posted to r/relationship_advice
My husband (M39) has thrown me(F27) under the bus to his family with his silence and complete lack of a spine, how do I salvage this?
Trigger Warnings: infertility, miscarriage, accusations of infidelity, sexism, neglect, betrayal, verbal and emotional abuse, threats of violence, property damage, spousal abuse
Original Post: January 29, 2024
My husband Owen and I have been trying for a baby for years with no luck. I would be happy to adopt but Owen’s family is against it and has influenced my husband to also be against it. After our second year of trying I begged my husband to go with me to get a checkup to see if either of us or both of us is infertile. He was strongly opposed to this as all the men in his family are extremely fertile but eventually gave in and as it turns out his sperm count is extremely low. He was heartbroken as was I and we both got therapy.
After a year of no longer “trying” I got pregnant but lost the baby, and we were devastated. Owen blamed himself and proposed that we start the process of getting into a family planning center for a sperm donor which I agreed to. He asked me that we not tell either of our families about this or our friends and I agreed because I would never want to emasculate him. With the help of our donor, I was able to successfully become pregnant and we had our little girl last year, she is healthy and progressing amazingly and I thank God for her every day. I kept my promise and never told anyone, however, Owen is struggling with connecting with our little girl.
Here is where the trouble begins. Last month when he went out of town with his brothers for their friend’s bachelor party. While on the trip Owen told his brothers about our infertility issues and that our baby wasn’t biologically his. One of his brothers must have told his wife who told my husband’s mother. I don’t know why she would tell my husband’s mother except that she has never liked me.
Their mother then came to our house and called me a lying whore and tried to get my husband to leave with her. He just stood there silent. I told her that it was Owen's decision not to tell anyone and she asked him if this was true again he was silent which his mother took as me being the liar she then went to our nursery and started taking everything she’d ever given us for the baby back. I told her I didn’t care about it and I made more than enough to buy everything she gave us myself and better quality. This set her off and she called my baby a filthy bastard when she said that I did something I know was harsh but I believe she deserved it.
I physically pushed her out the door (I didn’t hit her but I did put my hands on her shoulders pushing her out the door) and threw all her shitty things out with her. After spirits had calmed down I realized my husband had said nothing when his mother was berating me, calling me a liar, and when she called our child a filthy bastard so I asked him why he was silent he said he wasn’t raised to be disrespectful the way I was and that his mother hadn’t said anything that wasn’t true she was just hurtful with what she’d said and that we should let it go and wait for his mother to forgive us. I told him that I would never let it go that his mother and anyone who agreed with her was not welcomed in our home and that I don’t need to be forgiven when I’ve done nothing wrong. He then said the house was his and as the head of the family it was his decision. I told fine but why did he allow her to call me a liar and a whore those things are not true and our child (no child really) should be called a bastard. He just repeated he would not argue with his mother.
After that, I stopped speaking to him and started gathering up my daughter’s things and purse and walked out the door with her. He tried to stop me and told me I couldn’t take his daughter anywhere without him and I lost the little bit of composure I had left. I told him she wasn’t his daughter. He’d proved he didn’t see her as his daughter when he’d allowed his mother to call her a filthy bastard and told him she wasn’t his. He broke down into tears and begged me to come back inside but at the time I felt nothing he looked pathetic to me.
I’ve taken my baby with me and gone back home to my parents and finally told my family the truth which feels so good. They are completely in support of my decision and are not allowing my spineless husband anywhere near us as he still refuses to apologize to me or set the record straight with his family. However, I told the sister-in-law that I was close to the truth and she told the rest of his family. Half of his family is understanding while the other side is on his mother's side but they all are mad at my husband. I need time to cool down but I know eventually my husband and I need to figure our marriage out. One thing is for certain I will not return to “his house” until he apologizes to me and promises to protect me and his daughter fiercely. I want to see this in action form starting with him telling his mother what she did was wrong and banning her from coming to see us until she asks for my forgiveness. We were also planning on having more children as he wants a big family but that is off the table as I don’t believe he is ready and we both need to get back into therapy
RELEVANT COMMENTS
aLovelylove Ask yourself this, do you believe he is capable of changing? Everything he has said and allowed to be said to you is nothing but disrespectful
OOP I am beginning to conclude he does not love me enough to change or protect us
ACM915 Does he have any redeeming qualities? It does not seem so and I'm sure you are aware there is nothing worth saving. Please don't allow yourself or your child to continue to be abused by these total AH's.
OOP I will most certainly never allow my baby to be abused verbally or physically and his redeeming qualities are few.
Fit_Anywhere_4405 I am confused... Your husband had a low sperm count BUT he was still producing sperm and the IVF clinic would normally "harvest" your husband's sperm and choose the healthiest candidate and then inject it directly into one of your eggs.
Why did you decide to get a third-party sperm donor when your husband was still producing sperm, albeit at a much lower quantity?
Defective sperm and low sperm count are not the same thing.
OOP A healthy donor was less expensive and had a higher chance of success than IVF. We've had many friends who did IVF and spent hundreds of thousands of dollars only to have no results and or more miscarriages. We explored all our options thoroughly and he chose this one
Update: February 1, 2024
I want to start by thanking those who were so kind, your words of encouragement and advice were greatly appreciated. Here is my update:
Apparently, after I left my husband’s house my MIL, BIL, and SIL accused me of cheating. I’d already begun speaking with a lawyer after Owen refused to tell the truth to his family but knowing he let them tell other people I cheated is like getting punched in the chest. I’m now renting a nice two-bedroom apartment; my siblings and their partners have helped me furnish it and my top priority is ensuring my baby has everything she needs. Currently, I’m working to create a cozy nursery for her and hiring a nanny. Facing the end of my marriage is terrifying but I’m learning to accept my new reality.
When I notified Owen I was going to file for divorce he started calling and messaging nonstop. His messages range from begging me to come home, telling me he will tell the truth and get therapy again, begging to see our baby, and then threatening to drag me home. I told him the divorce was happening whether he liked it or not because he failed as a husband and failed even worse as a parent. He then sent photos and videos of my things in the garbage and him and my BIL trashing the nursery. His exact words, “I don’t need it anymore.” In the most disturbing video, he threw our baby’s car seat in a dumpster. I do not recognize him or his behavior anymore. He claims to miss his daughter and me but is trying to make his behavior my fault for not doing what I’m told. This is not the man I agreed to marry. The man I married was smart, kind, gentle, thoughtful, and funny but this vileness from him was waiting for me the moment I didn’t obey and take the disrespect from his family to save him from the humiliation of his infertility. Before the fallout with his mother, he was nothing like this. It's certainly NOT an excuse but I believe it all centered on him feeling emasculated and humiliated by his family. I just can’t believe he couldn’t at least stand up to his family for me and our baby, the one he said he would die for.
I am not blocking Owen as my lawyer said to email everything he says to me to him but the constant threatening messages make me scared to leave my home. Owen knows where I work and has repeatedly told me he will drag us back if that’s what it takes and that I'm making him do this. My lawyer and I are working on...
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