Autism

I had been masking all my life until recently. Now I tend to unmask, even in situations where people don't tolerate my real self. Like in my recent job interviews. I learned it's better to be weak m unfitting in the eyes of others, than bending myself. If they cannot handle me, they shall go away - I'm not dependent do them.

Masking, in theory I can do it. I’m just so exhausted mentally and physically these days. If I’m in a position where I feel I need to mask, I usually instead withdraw.

I have my own opinion on masking. I don't feel like I hide my true self and I feel the term 'masking' isn't always the right one, although it might depend on the individual and the situation. The way I see it, it's all a question of communication, or language; we have our own concept of social communication, one that is not always the same as most people. It gets hard to understand those different than us and also difficult for them to understand us. We can't expect everyone to understand us, and most people don't, or won't. So we change the way we communicate, use another form of language. It's not always easy and we might sometimes miss the mark, but we are autistic, after all. We can't understand what we aren't all the time, it's just normal. With most people I know, we often find some kind of unspoken middle ground, so to speak, communication-wise. They know me and I know them, we kinda found ways to make it easier for us to understand each other. YMMV, it's not the same for everyone and I know that; some of us find it harder still to understand non-autistic people and communicate with them, and have a hard time being understood by them. Some of us feel the need to hide and 'fake' our way through many social situations. In the end, it's all about how comfortable we are with acting natural. For me, I find it simpler to adapt the way I communicate than expecting people to understand me. There's more of 'them' than there are of us, in the end we have much more opportunities to study their 'language' and adapt to it, than the opposite. To me, it's the same as traveling to another country without speaking the local language. You can get by, if you're lucky, but it will be much harder than if you learn the language. There are some words that will give you a harder time, and you'll fall back to your native tongue, but they can't blame you for making an effort.

Again, YMMV, as everyone has different experiences; it's just the way I see things.

My special interests are very special to me (ugh, what a terrible pun. Defo not intended!) and I reserve sharing them for people I trust. That alone is a reason for me to mask.

It's actually harder for me not to mask than it is to mask a lot of the time, even though my mask is far from perfect. But I'm "out" at work and it's fine if people realize I'm masking.

I think for me donning the mask is like donning armor to protect things I care about from a majorly uncaring world, and if I unmask around you it's a sign of trust.

Some things I mask, some not. Usually I don't like a lie. I think that my inappropriate behaviors is usually seen like sweet or manlike or pleasant. Eventually 1 in the year someone is bite by a my meltdown.

I have a strange relationship with masking these days. I had no idea I had autistic tendencies until I married my wife who has been diagnosed with autism. Since then it has been very rewarding having conversations about how our two flavors of autism differ. One of the things we differ tremendously on is our abilities to mask effectively. My wife has struggled with it, especially as a kid, but it always came naturally to me such that it is now my "default mode" when I am in public. Instead of missing social queues like many people, I find I have the opposite problem where I over-analyze social situations to the extent that I read too much into them and it drives me crazy. So masking has actually been very useful for me in that regard because I feel like when I am masking in public I am less "aware" of how I am acting because I feel like I am mostly coming off "normal" relative to the social expectation.

My wife is also very socially aware but she struggles to turn off her over thinking meaning she frequently comes out of social encounters panicked that she said or did something wrong. Whereas I'll be so blended into the situation I won't even remember her saying or doing what she is worried about. We work together well in that regard because I remind her that if I am married to her and I don't notice her say or do something "atypical," then someone who doesn't know either of us well almost certainly either didn't notice either or won't remember it five minutes after the conversation ends.

So it is a mixed bag. It has been rewarding being able to unmask at home around someone I can trust and who I know loves me, but I still find today that I rarely completely unmask unless I am literally home alone in our house. That usually manifests in me walking around the house doing chores and things talking to myself about a thousand different made up scenarios, which even as a kid I always regarded would probably come off as weird to everyone else.

I think the most important thing is striking a balance between masking and being genuine. I know many people struggle feeling like they are not being their true selves while masked and others even view masking as manipulative. But I think everyone has a different relationship with the practice.

I mask if there’s a risk I might be spreading an infectious virus to at-risk/immunocompromised people. I mask if a viral wave is projected, to help flatten the curve. And I mask (different masks) when woodworking, in heavy pollen, and when working with toxic gases.

Strapping a mask around your neck and pulling it up over your mouth from time to time is not masking. Better to not wear one at all, as it’s doing more harm than good when worn improperly.