this post was submitted on 15 Aug 2023
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Repeated Misgendering Advice? (lemmy.blahaj.zone)
submitted 1 year ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
17 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

Hey all, i need some advice. Theres a person i have to deal with on a regular basis that repeatedly misgenders me, and im having issues dealing with it. I would appreciate advice on how to approach and deal with this cause im at a loss.

So this person is themselves nonbinary, which makes this all the more difficult and frustrating cause they should know better (warning, small rant incoming). They are the first to call out others on their errors (in a rather intense way) but cannot handle being called out themselves, theyve even gotten upset when someone they volunteer with gets a compliment on their work because they think you should compliment everyone or no one (but theyre fine with being complimented individually when its them recieving the compliment). They engage in performative diversity (eg publicising and parading around "i included so-and-so queer person") and tokenize others and use their own identity as a shield (they cannot do anything wrong to queer people because theyre nonbinary and pansexual). They seem to reduce gender to presentation, which is shocking as theyre a feminine presenting nonbinary person who has been very clear that theyre not a girl.

Ive come out to them four times now. Im fucking done. And the sad part is, i dont think its malicious. I think they just literally dont give a shit. They go off about how being called she/her is so frustrating and traumatizing for them, but they misgender me fucking constantly. We just met up for the first time after the summer break (we volunteer in an education adjacent area) and my SO was constantly gendering me correctly and calling me by my name but still, they persist. Today was especially hard cause i was at that point in my cycle and have been really emotional today and yesterday.

To sum up, i need advice on how to deal with this situation. I am at a loss for how to get them to stop. I dont want to give up this volunteering because i really enjoy it, and its basically my only hobby/thing that gets me out of the house. But theyre making it impossible to enjoy. I have the assertiveness of a damp paper towel, and ive already tried talking to them (four fucking times!), so what else can i do?

Thanks for any and all insight, advice, and/or camraderie. Im sending this off into the ether before i head to sleep so ill respond come morning.

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[–] [email protected] 33 points 1 year ago (1 children)

If it really is that they don't care, correcting them every time might be your best bet. Make it more annoying for them to misgender you and they'll eventually stop. This also works if they just keep forgetting, but may not work if they are doing it maliciously.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago

I agree and would try this same approach. It can be difficult being firm in social situations as there are so many factors to consider. I feel like the risk is worth it to resolve the situation however. If they dont mean it maliciously then perhaps they will amend their behavior once they themselves arrive at the conclusion thoroughly that you have this boundary.

[–] [email protected] 18 points 1 year ago (1 children)

In the USA, this would probably qualify as sexual harassment. In which case, an HR complaint would be in order.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 year ago

I never really considered that. Idk it just doesnt feel like harassment? Like i know how dumb that sounds; if it was someone else i would say yeah, its harassment, but since its me its somehow not harassment (i know, ive got some stellar logic at work in my brain😅).

But thank for framing it that way, i never considered it. I think i need to marinate in this framing for a bit.

[–] [email protected] 15 points 1 year ago (1 children)

This person just sounds like an ass. Is there a way you can do the volunteering but work in a different area/task? Other than "be more assertive lol," I can't give much good interpersonal advice.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

Unfortunately its a very small area of volunteer work - we are running a weekly event for students at the local student house, and theres only 3 of us doing this. I could volunteer doing different things but then i lose the fun of holding this event. I appreciate the idea but my goal is to try and address in an interpersonal manner. I could certainly stand to be more assertive, but thats easier said than done 😅

[–] [email protected] 14 points 1 year ago

I'm not trans in anyway, but the post caught my eye. The person sounds a self-centered and self-absorbed. They likely misgender you because they literally just don't care - they want attention and complain when it isn't about them.

You need to report it to the person in charge of the volunteer events and tell them essentially what you said here, that this person is constantly disrespecting you to the point that it's harassment at this point. That you don't want to be a problem, but you can't work with this person.

I'm really sorry that this is happening, but if you've tried talking to them numerous times then it sounds like it's not going to change and your going to have to make a choice, either a.) Put up with it, b.) Report them, or c.) Find another place you can volunteer at.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago

They must mean someone else when using the wrong pronouns and stuff so just ignore them. They're clearly not talking to you.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago (2 children)

Misgender them back and when they complain, bring up that they misgender you every time.

If that doesn't work, take it to whomever the highest person in charge that you can.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 year ago

Tit for tat is only going to get you in trouble. It's better to report this to someone higher up if possible.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

I understand why you said this, and it is very frustrating dealing with someone who is consistently misgendering you. But please do not advocate for misgendering anyone. It's completely fair to cut the person out, to report them, to tell them how awful they're making you feel, but misgendering them is wrong.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I don't usually like this term, but this awfully sounds like a 'theyfab'. Unfortunately it's very common for some non binary people to lean on the fact that they were afab, to misgender, belittle, and disrespect transfemmes.

I would recommend reducing/stopping friendly personal interaction to start, slowly moving to cold shoulder, and if possible, cutting off all non-work conversation.

Also, I know this must be very difficult to deal with. Sending you internet hugs 🫂

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago (1 children)

This is not okay. Regarding your first paragraph, this is nothing more than generalization, essentialism, and ultimately a form of thansphobia. You’re reducing people to their AGAB in order to paint a definitive behaviour to them, and it’s incredibly wrong to do. More than that, what you’re accusing a whole category of individuals of is exactly what you’re doing: essentialism, reducing actual people to characteristics supposed to be attached to the AGAB. Please don’t do this

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I'm not reducing people to their AGAB. Theyfab is a very specific term for people who are afab, and specifically exhibit transmisoginy based on the AGAB for transfemmes.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

do you read yourself? You’re precisely reducing people to their AGAB.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

How exactly? I don't think, neither did I say, that all people assigned female at birth have this behavior. I'm specifically referring to a small subset of afab people, who use their AGAB to reduce transfemmes to their AGAB.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

If you can't cut them lose physicly, do it emotionaly, just try to ignore it. Your text suggests, that there are enough people who support you, so don't let the one person who doesn't make your life worse.