Parenting

My dad raised me by himself as a single parent. He had to deal with a lot of flak and backlash from other parents for not raising me properly or from withholding me from my mother. He often had mothers tell him that he was actively harming me because kids cannot be raised by a dad. He had to stop attending some group-parenting functions because of the harassment.

My mother abandoned me when I was a toddler and my father saved my life. He uprooted and upturned his entire life just to provide care for a kid that was unceremoniously dumped on him. He's not perfect but who is?

This is certainly a multifaceted issue but the gender stereotype problem runs deep and it does a lot of damage. Instead of uplifting people and helping them, we tear them down and shame them.

Single parent chiming in. I might have a unique perspective on this since I live in a conservative suburb of a major Texas metro.

The biggest thing I've noticed is that I'm not allowed to simply be a parent, at least as far as social opinions are concerned. Whenever I take my son out to, say, the park, or for afters, other parents willing to strike up conversations take one of two stances: I am either babysitting my son (i.e. giving mum a break), or I'm suspicious for spending time with him alone (the implication being that men can't be trusted with childcare unsupervised).

I am acquainted with the parents of my son's friends, but outside of major events like school functions or birthday parties, I have to take the initiative on giving him opportunities to socialize with his peers because those parents won't include my son otherwise--because the mums won't text a single man first under any circumstances and the mums are ones who do all the planning. And while I don't believe this slight is intentional or malicious, it's difficult not to take it personally when they've collectively only met his mum once (at an end-of-year school function) and they've only ever known us in the context of me being a single parent.

I have twice in the last year had to explain to the old bill that I am not, in fact, a predator using my child as an excuse to scope out the local park for victims, and that my son is, in fact, my son. That one is impossible not to take personally--his mother, who is a violent, cocaine-addicted terror of a person--would never be accused of such by a stranger. The assumption would simply be that she is his mum. As a dad, I am afforded no such courtesy, and it is astonishing to me the sheer level of impropriety in which conservative white women feel justified because "they're just looking out for the children."

And if that sounds bitter, well, as I said, it's hard not to take the latter personally when it has the potential to forever (negatively) alter my son's future, especially when I'm a single parent primarily to protect him in the first place.

If custody agreements in Texas didn't come bog-standard with geographic restrictions that carried multiple felony penalties for breaking, I'd have left the States a long time ago. But I absolutely refuse to jeopardize my son's future or my custody of him, so here we are.

My wife has often told me that I experienced "a simulation of single-parenthood" during her medical school and residency. I don't feel like I encountered barriers, but I was in an especially lucky situation working from home most of the time which gave me lots of flexibility for childcare. Although there was about a year where I worked in an office downtown. I had to leave the office a bit early every day to pick up the kids. Fortunately I had an employer who didn't have a problem with that. And my office-mates were very supportive of the kids coming to the office once in a while on no-school days.

Something I have noticed is occasional profuse praise for handling basic parenting responsibilities as a man. And a little feeling of weirdness on the school's annual "dads take kids to school" day.

OTOH I haven't interacted much with other parents, parenting groups, or the PTA. I'm not great at introducing myself to strangers. Maybe my gender makes it a little more difficult to connect with parenting groups, I don't know.

But my wife just finished her residency! So we'll see how things change.

My ex runs into this all the time when hes out with our son.

People always say things like "giving mom a day off?" Or "got stuck babysitting, huh?"

When he took our son to a baby group (i had to go back to work first) apparently most of the moms assumed he was a widower. (Why else would he be at a morning baby group?) Eventually one of the other moms asked him, "we were wondering, when did your wife pass away?" - its really ludicrous.

The biggest barrier I’ve seen around me from other Dads is mostly about positive father figures and the expectations of society of what it is to be a good Dad and supporting partner (this is also mentioned in the article which I agree with).

I was absolutely shocked at the bare minimum that other Dads seem to do and get away with. People who I’d normally consider good,thoughtful and responsible people just seem absolutely oblivious to the struggles of their partner and what it takes to be a properly equal parent.

Discussing it (gently… as it’s never my place to butt into other people’s parenting styles) the running theme was that they are using their own Dad as a sort of base line, trying to be genuinely better than what came before, that’s admirable …. But this base is often so low in terms of being “hands on” that changing the odd nappy and spending some time playing every now and again is seen as a big step up.

There is also this feeling that somehow paid work is more important or harder than parenting work. Which is absolute nonsense for most jobs. “It’s my day off!” “I’ve finished work I want to relax” - Sorry but no, when you get home it’s now time to 50/50 parent at the very least. (Edit: somehow this view doesn’t reflect when Mum is also a working…. Dad needs a break as he’s finished work.. but Mum doesn’t get a break when finishing work and has to go straight into parenting)

Of course there are exceptions as long as both parents have really good communication and discuss what works for them and are both genuinely happy with the arrangement.

This doesn’t reflect every situation and every Dad.. I have Dad friends who are great and absolutely true 50/50 parents.. but most that I know do sadly fall into what I’ve described.

Society in general needs to be promoting positive role models for what fatherhood should be and stop with the bumbling idiot dad who’s only role is to “bring home the bacon” which is so outdated and generally harmful. We need that base line of being a good Dad to be higher… Basically we need more Bandits.

I would argue though that if “Dads want to do more caretaking” they absolutely can. The barriers for Dads are much, much lower than the other side of the coin “Mums want to have a career”.