The Onion

SALISBURY, MD—Saying the company maintained a strong commitment to sustainable agricultural practices, poultry processing conglomerate Perdue Farms pledged Tuesday to plant one chicken for every chicken it sold. “As part of our broader efforts to be thoughtful, responsible stewards of our planet’s natural resources, I’m happy to inform our customers that, starting today, a Perdue chicken bought is a Perdue chicken buried,” said CEO Kevin McAdams, who explained how the company was working with partners around the globe to offset the 700 million birds it slaughters each year by planting 700 million still-living chickens up to their necks in dirt. “With this net-zero chicken initiative, Perdue will be able to dramatically increase the number of domestic fowl populating our world’s vitally important rainforests. We can’t think of a better way to reduce our environmental impact and lower our overall chicken footprint.” McAdams went on to state that for each 2-pound bag of frozen chicken nuggets sold, Perdue would dump a similar quantity of nuggets into the ocean to help restore coral reefs.