Fitness

Not personal at all. Sorry for the wall of text, btw. I've suspected that I had depression since I was a teenager, at least. And it only worsened with time as I experienced life. I had been coping through the years with escapism and later, smoking (so, so much of it), until those didn't work and developed GAD on top of my depression, szpd and adhd (possibly auadhd, want to get a second opinion). Around the time I developed GAD I stopped going regularly. Had enough last year and booked an appointment.

I won't lie and say it's all due to therapy, I've also been seeing a shrink and part of my daily dose of meds are antidepressants, which work well enough but are such a low dose they don't do much by themselves. Still, going to therapy helped me realize what my defense mechanisms were. I had grown to value a stiff upper lip (like, unfeeling), and avoided anything that posed a challenge and could disappoint me in the future. Having lost all the work I put into the gym, I knew the work I would have to put in just to reach my PRs from years before when I was younger and didn't smoke. So, fear of failure lead to not doing anything, leading to basically no positive reinforcement. Nothing gave me joy because I wasn't stimulating myself with interesting shit. I was a husk going through the motions. Tried to buy a ticket on Charon's boat but fucked it up and gave myself 7 years to get better, otherwise I'd try again.

So, 6 years later on the very first real session with my therapist she laid it out plain to me: if I really wanted to get better, I needed to get back into the gym. She recommended the shrink I'm seeing so she knew I would likely end up taking pills, for which I'm grateful, but she wasn't lying about the gym. There's a world of difference between the days in which I work out and the ones I don't, even with meds. In the following sessions we discussed stuff I've experienced and hadn't processed, because I didn't value experiencing emotions. I've come out the other side much better, definitely more emotionally mature, and sure of myself. In terms of quantifiable progress, I now spend 0 days in bed all day, which is pretty damn good. Through my therapist I've learnt how to deal with panic attacks, which I didn't know before. Two months ago I ran out of my anxiety pills and had the worst panic attack yet in the middle of the night. Managed it as the therapist taught me and was chill again in 30 minutes.

I'm now about a month away from the 7 years being up, and while I'm not 100% there, I'm still making good progress. Don't think I'll end up trying to cross the Styx just yet.

TL;DR: going to the therapist helped me realize I had been dragging a ton of baggage that wasn't letting me improve myself. She taught me how to deal with that baggage in a healthy way, which included the gym. Now I'm much better.